Guilt About Too Much Money?

I know it seems bizarre, but there are people who have a lot of money and feel GUILTY about it.  According to Brad & Ted Klontz, Mind Over Money, "financial rejection" is a fairly common money problem. I know what they're talking about. I had a friend who received a large inheritance and within 3 years it was all gone. Why? She didn't feel she deserved it or had earned it. Having money rather than "working" and struggling for it was out of her comfort zone. There were issues with her parents tied up in the guilt she felt, but she didn't know how to access that unfinished business.

If we have money issues (& like with food, who doesn't?) and we don't explore how and what we believe about money and our self and where those beliefs came from, we'll keep playing the same cards wondering why we can't seem to win at this money game called life.

Another story to illustrate financial rejection: Kathy Trant's husband, Dan, was a stockbroker killed in the 9/11 attack. Kathy received almost 5 million dollars in settlements and donations. By 2005 she had only $500,000 left. Kathy spent money in a frenzy she didn't understand - it was "blood" money she didn't want. (Klontz)

Other ways the rejection of money shows up include taking a vow of poverty or being creative or spiritual and having a love/hate relationship with money.  This money struggle is one that "Creator-Artist" archetypes often express. (Deborah Price, Money Magic). I have a sister who is an exquisite artist but lives on disability and barely gets by. Vows of poverty are often common among those in the helping professions also and I unconsciously played this one out for years. Not anymore though.

All of these money issues are rooted in unexamined beliefs, attitudes and convictions brought forward from childhood and cemented into our adulthood through experience and repetition. The good news is that the thinking brain can create  new neural connections with insight and new, repeated behaviors. Check out the "Unfinished Business" blog for some how-to's.

Money Disorders Rooted in Unfinished $$ Business

Unfinished money business often gets expressed as money disorders such as financial denial, financial rejection, underspending (not that common) and money fear (risk aversion - Klontz - Mind Over Money) I understand the territory of denial, a trait that Deborah Price (Money Magic) says reflects the stance of the money archetypes "The Innocent," or The Creator-Artist." (I'll write about The Archetypes soon.)

We're going to look at financial denial today. How does one go through life without thinking much about money? Let me share:  As a young woman I had no money, but always seemed to "get by." Well, I had a husband, that certainly helped, and I worked and went to school. I also paid my bills. But beyond that I never thought about money. It wasn't important and it was uncomfortable. I stuck my head in the financial sand and I was comfortable doing that for a long time.

How does financial denial originate? It's human nature to minimize or avoid problems that are difficult. Psychologically speaking, this is called a defense mechanism and is often fueled by ANXIETY.  Of course, this doesn't make them go away and in fact problems that are ignored tend to get bigger. Look at the DEBT crisis of this nation and ourselves. This coping behavior can start with confusion about money from parental mixed messages - one parent overspends, the other super saves. Or like with me - being yelled at and shamed (traumatized) by asking my Dad a simple question about money.

Financial denial shows up like this: You don't talk to your partner about money - about the bills, a budget, planning, retirement. You avoid it or start a fight (I did both) as distraction, or you dissolve into a pile of tears. Effective in avoiding the topic, but not solving the problem. There's a saying in psychology - "whatever we resist persists." Bingo.

How do you get past financial denial? Do your money homework by being willing to change one step at a time, thinking about WHY you want your relationship with $$ to be different, and being gentle with the process of learning about, healing, forgiving and practicing new money behaviors. Tomorrow financial rejection and The "Creator-Artist."

Unfinished Money Business Causing Problems?

Do you make the same old mistakes with your money over and over again? Have you ever spent more than you should and felt guilty? Do you work really hard, but don't make enough money and wonder why? (Even before the economy went south?) Do you have someone in your life who is controlling with money? Or that you're controlling? Is your relationship with money secretive? Do you intend to save or pay the bills on time, but somehow....it just doesn't happen?

Most of us have unfinished money business because we're not taught, except by modeling in our families, how to manage not just the nuts and bolts of money - balancing the checkbook, paying the bills, having a financial plan, but more importantly, our thoughts, feelings and beliefs about money. Our relationship with money, for most of us, is unexplored territory and those thoughts, feelings and beliefs sit in the unconscious where they can cause a lot of trouble.

Here are a few questions to get you started gently pulling back the covers: Did your parents talk about money constructively or fight? How did you know? What's your first money memory and is it positive or negative? How does that memory affect your decisions today? What are a few of the automatic negative cliches or scripts about money that come to mind? Save for a rainy day, money doesn't grow on trees, the rich get richer....

In order to finish our money business, we have to start with willingness to explore and discover the personal and cultural money scripts in our lives. Dr. Klontz (Mind Over Money) recommends 1) recall the memorable experiences you've had with money - joyful and painful.  2) Write down a few words summarizing each event. 3) Write the emotion about each event - angry, sad, happy, afraid, hurt. 4) Finish with "The moral of my money story is.." As a Certified Money Coach I've done this work and it's shifted my money story dramatically. Time to get started.

Financial Trauma - Can you Relate?

Have you gone through a bankruptcy, had to short-sale your home or have it foreclosed?  How about a job loss or downsizing? Been re-hired at vastly lower pay and had to adjust your lifestyle drastically?  Lost retirement savings or had to use to survive? How about the current global financial situation? If so, you may be feeling financially  traumatized. Trauma can be defined as any event that "...causes emotional distress and pain." (Klontz, Mind Over Money)

Here's what happens in the brain when you experience a trauma. The amygdala (pair of almond shaped bundles of neurons in the animal part of our brain) flash the warning alarm- something bad is happening, get ready to take action or FREEZE - shut down. The amygdala also causes the trauma to be stored in the brain (or not) and that's where problems occur. A child that went through the frightening divorce of his parents may have that memory triggered when he and his wife fight.

How does financial trauma translate into money problems? Klontz worked with researcher Lee Gerdes, founder of Brain State Technologies to measure brain activity of those who reported money behavior problems. This question: "At any time, does your spending or gambling endanger the financial well-being of you and/or your household? Those that answered "very true" showed brain patterns of a lack of connection to self and others. (Klontz) Now we we don't know WHERE or HOW the pattern around spending or gambling may have started.

In order to get past a financial trauma the first step of healing is facing what's happened consciously and gently. I talk to people every week that are putting a brave face on the fact that any minute they may lose their home, they can't pay their bills and they're trying to keep their business afloat. That's traumatic and stressful.  You're not alone.

1) Take 10 deep slow breaths and feel your body -  it doesn't change the situation, but does lower the flight/fight stress response - do this throughout each day every hour. Stress & trauma drain your energy and resilience.

2) Don't wait too long to talk to a bankruptcy attorney or seek professional help about your situation. Get support from friends, pastor, colleagues - they're probably going through similar struggles.

3) Let go and start over if you have to. I hear over and over from people that finally let go of their upside down house - "I should have done that a year ago." If your house is upside down by over $100,000 and you're in your late 40s or 50s do you really think the market's going to come back in time?

4) Grieve - I know, this is no fun. Actively feeling the sadness, loss, anger, upset moves you THROUGH the pain so it doesn't get stuck inside and cause triggers later, or even health concerns. Write out your feelings, talk, stomp your feet, write your legislators.

Americans Addicted to Bad Foods

Big surprise - Americans are as addicted to sugary, fat, fast foods today as we were to cigarettes 40 years ago. Since 1970 U.S. cigarette use has fallen by 57%. This is great news. But we're in big trouble with "bad" foods like soda, french fries, doughnuts and hyperprocessed snacks. This trouble is costing us hundreds of billions of dollars a year in obesity related illnesses.

Success story: I know a young man named Mike who has recently lost 75 pounds with a program called Take Shape for Life. (I don't sell it.)  One of his big (so to speak) problem non-foods  was soft drinks. He's far from alone - when you see folks walking down the street with a 64 oz. soda and a huge belly? There's a direct relationship.

Our current over-consumption of unhealthy foods is taking its toll with obesity, heart-disease, diabetes and other health issues. "The average American consumes 44.7 gallons of soft drinks annually." But that's only part of the sugar we consume if you look at your food labels, there's added sugar in lots of foods .

Mark Bittman, NY Times writer, suggests we tax bad or unhealthy foods like soda, french fries, and much of fast food,  as we've taxed cigarettes, and then use the money to subsidize healthy foods like vegetables and fruits. I love this idea. Currently we subsidize the bad food companies and they have a lot of lobbyists. But, so did the cigarette companies.

(NYTimes: "Bad Food - Tax It!"July24,2011 http://tinyurl.com/3bar954)

I happened to grow up in a family that ate very healthy (we had other issues, but not food) and have never been a soda drinker, but I was a smoker so I know what it takes to change a habit.

What can you do to break the addiction to soda? And, I don't believe "diet" soda is any better than full sugar soda. There's discussion and research about how anything sweet might trigger insulin over-production.  First step: Awareness is the first step of  change: Write down how many sodas you're drinking a day. Two: Rate your motivation to improve your health on a scale of 0-10 (10 most motivated) - be honest. Three: If motivation is 5 or below what can you do to raise it 1 point? Four: Take action with 1 small, significant step today and for next 30 days.

 

 

Greed or Fear Driving Money Decisions?

Is it greed or fear that drives most money decisions? Most automatically think it's greed. But is that true?

What's the last big financial decision you had to make? Was fear or greed driving it? My guess would be fear. As a Certified Money Coach I talk to people every week who are making financial decisions out of fear - fear they will lose their home, fear they will lose the respect of others (or themselves) if they "short sale," fear about being able to pay the bills, the taxes they're behind on, fear, fear, fear. Of course, fear generates more of the same and stress.

We like to think of ourselves as individuals making our own decisions, but we humans are social animals and run with what the "herd" is thinking, often unconsciously. Remember when everything was going along just fine (or so we thought) before the economic fall of 2008. Then the market crashed, and the herd got spooked and ran off the financial cliff? Millions took their money out of the stock market, which of course contributed to more panic. Banks were going under. I said to my husband, "We (collectively) are going to make a bigger mess than necessary out of downfall with our fear."

What do we do to counter the tendency  to react  with fear? When the reactive (fear or stress) brain gets overloaded the pre-frontal cortex (decision making part of brain) gets "kicked off line." (Klontz - Mind Over Money). A stressed brain doesn't make good decisions so the first thing to do is check your stress/anxiety level. If on a scale of 0-10 it's an 8-10, forget the decision making for today. And, if you think that extra beer, or dessert, or hour on the internet of distraction will make you feel better, be careful - the stressed, overloaded brain is also much more vulnerable to addictive tendencies.  Instead, take 10 -20 deep breaths (yes, I know it doesn't make the situation go away). But as your body relaxes, so does your brain and a relaxed brain makes much better decisions. Take time before making that big important money decision, get help from experts and make your best decision.

 

 

 

More Money = More Happiness

More Money = More Happiness? 

"If I just had more money, life would be happier, better, ok." Does that belief ring a note of truth for you? But is it true? Research shows that once our basic needs are met, more money doesn't actually improve happiness.

When I was a little girl I asked my Dad something about their finances. He yelled, "It's none of your blankety blank business." What did that teach me about money? It's scary. Better to not think about it.

That experience went into my money memory bank and was forgotten. But not really. The memory bubbled under the surface and affected my $$ decisions. As an young adult I didn't think about money. And, I didn't handle money well. Another time I'll tell you about how I handled my bank account. This is an example of a money memory that becomes apersonal money script.

Money Scripts are also cultural. See how many of these blanks you can fill in:

Money is the root of all ______.

Money doesn't grow on ______.

Money can't buy ______.

The rich get richer and the ______.

I bet you like most people can answer every one of those fill ins. Are the answers primarily negative or positive? That's right - negative. What does that mean? How do you think the negative cultural beliefs that float under the surface of your awareness affect your relationship with money? Let me know. And, by the way, unconscious negative money beliefs make it hard to accumulate more $$ and keep it.

Note: I’m now taking a limited number of Money Coachingclients. Take the Money Quiz at www.lynntelfordsahl.com - look for the Money Tree and fill out information. You’ll receive the results – then email or call me for a 15 minute FREE phone Consult as space allows. lynntelfordsahl@gmail.com

Money Magic Teleseminar:

“Since I started the one on one Money Coaching work with Lynn I’ve had the best two months of my business ever.” 
Renee Kee, Melaluca (209) 825-6450

Are you ready to:

• Learn how to focus & sustain your physical, mental & emotional energy
• Know your Money Type and whether it’s helping or blocking you with $$
• Shift $$ anxiety to greater peace of mind
• Assess your $$ attraction factor – are you a $$ magnetor do you get in your way?
• Collapse Negative $$ Beliefs & Super Charge affirmations
• Design the action steps to move out of $$ stress and into greater success & Financial Well-Being
• Move past over shopping or over spending?
• Get past DEBT?

When: Tuesday Sept 20th 6:30 – 8:30 p.m. Pacific Time

Investment: $37.00

Register by clicking here

West Side Women in Action Business Conference & Vendor Showcase

Linda Murdock & Jeanne Phillips started this non-profit conference 6 years ago to raise educational scholarships for women. These scholarships are for young and mature women and can be used to further a career, take a training or attend school.

The conference attracts 100-125 women. It’s a FUN, nurturing, smart way to spend a day and is very reasonable to attend.

This years Keynote speaker is Deborah Price, founder of The Money Coach Institute of Petaluma, CA and author of Money Magic.

A limited # of Vendor tables are available and they are CATEGORY specific. Sign up early.

www.wswia.org Facebook 209 613-7900 or info@wswia.org

When: Friday Oct 7th 8:30 a.m. – 4:00 p.m.

Spotlight

Shelley Kohl

All About You – Permanent Cosmetics & Scar Revision

"Taking Joy In Life Is A Woman's Best Cosmetic"

-Rosalind Russell

Throughout life we may have many different jobs or careers to earn a living. A calling is when we find something we were meant to do. I found mine in permanent cosmetics, scar revision, and tattoo removal. I truly love being of service with permanent make-up. It tops everything else. My truest passion is my work with areola re-pigmentation for breast cancer survivors and I am grateful to be a part of these amazing women's healing.

Contact Information: 209 456-7056

Email: nuskin4u@yahoo.com

“Shelley is very dedicated to the women she serves. If you know of someone that is a breast cancer survivor please let them know about Shelley. She creates a caring and safe space.” Lynn

Stress: Do One Thing Different

Can stress be addictive? What do you think? We get used to a certain level of pushing and making things happen. Stress becomes a comfort zone, of sorts. Uncomfortably comfortable. We hate it, but don’t know how to BE in life unless we’re running. We may feel bored, or out of sorts when life slows down or there’s some space. We look for ways to fill the emptiness rather than allow ourselves to replenish, let the body and our mind slow down and RELAX. Eckhart Tolle defines stress as “being here, but wanting to be there.”



When I’m speaking to groups I ask a stress assessment question: “On a scale of 0-10, with 10 being high, how stressed do you run on average?” If there are thirty people in a room, about a fourth will raise their hand to being at an 8 -10 range. I encourage you to check your average stress level right now and take a BREATH.

In the early 90s I taught lunch-time stress management classes to companies like Levi Strauss. One of my co-presenters was a Chi Gung master. During his presentation he would explain to the audience that stress is exponential, not just cumulative. This is why it’s so important to have true down time where the body is able to relax, restore and replenish. Yet, how many Americans take a two-week vacation? Most don’t and I’m talking about before the economic changes.

During the 90s people were stressed, but I’ve noticed a new level of intensity since the development of the internet, cell phones, texting and the belief that we need to be “plugged in” all the time.

While stress may not be a true addiction, think about the things or activities you use to cope with stress? These guilty pleasures, or “lite addictions,” run the gamut from the daily coffee fix, to a couple hits of pot to unwind, to hours on Facebook, or TV. These distractions temporarily make us feel better, but do nothing to CHANGE the situations we’re dealing with or our expectations of ourselves. Awareness is the first step to change. If your average stress level is running an 8-10, what’s ONE thing you will do different? Do it today.

Smart Phone - In Love or Just Dating?

I have to admit I'm a reluctant fan of smart phones. My easy to use Palm Pilot died earlier this year and I bought an Iphone. Arrgh.... Getting used to new technology is not for the weak minded. The first week of transition was "challenging" to say the least. I had to laugh when frustrated to the max,  my 9 year old granddaughter Grace grabbed it, said "Here Nan, this is what you do - click, click, click. All done."

Granted many "love" their smart phones - they help us stay connected to others, make life easier - emails, FB, etc. But how do you know if you're TOO attached to your phone? Can you actually become ADDICTED to your phone?

Here are some things to think about:

* How much time are you spending (wasting?) on emailing, texting, games, (have to admit I enjoy WordsFree occasionally), FB a day? How OFTEN do you check for message? No, really - have you actually paid attention or tracked the time spent?  How much does this affect your other productivity?

* Has anyone ever said that the amount of time you're spending on your phone is a problem for them? (If so, heads up, it's a problem).

* Do you have boundaries or times that you don't use your phone? For example, at the dinner table? In bed? In a public restroom? (Please....) When you're out with a group of friends? At a meeting?  If not, have you ever asked others if your use is a problem for them? What's one small limit you would be willing to set around phone use?

* If you think you are NOT too dependent on your phone, try going without it for a day (on a non-working day)  and notice how you feel. Are you antsy, anxious? Do you feel cut off? Bored? Is it uncomfortable to just BE by and with yourself without distractions or to interact with the people you around?

Just because you experience some of the above symptoms doesn't mean you're addicted. Addictive behaviors exist on a continuum. Be aware that the more reliant you are on your phone for escape, relief or comfort for upsetting emotions or stress the more you are using it in an addictive manner.  What else can you do to deal with anxiety or upset? Exercise, meditate, journal, talk face to face with a friend? Change starts with one small step and that's awareness.

Hoarding Or Overspending - Addictive Money Issues

We joke about "shopping 'till you drop." But, do you know an overspender who can't go a day without shopping? She has clothes stuffed in her closet with the price tags still on? Do you know "collectors" who have so many knick-knacks there's no room to sit?

Compulsive hoarders SAVE big time - either money or things. They don't know WHY they're doing this behavior, just that they have to do it. (Definition of compulsion.) According to Brad Klontz, author of Mind Over Money, hoarding is driven by anxiety, and the accumulated objects are stand-ins for love, affection or what's missing in that person's life. (Hint: healing requires finding non-harmful ways of filling those normal human needs).

Overspenders want to feel safe, need comfort or affection and have come to believe that spending on themselves or others will fulfill those needs. "Compulsive buying is overspending on steroids." (Klontz)  They are confused about money and think that buying things will make them happy. But they're often broke and can't control their spending.

Overspending is still seen as more of a choice than a real addictive issue and the severity depends on where it sits on the addictive continuum. The root of compulsive buying, like with so many addictive behaviors are negative feelings, stress and anxiety. The illusion is that if we do the behavior or use the substance we'll feel better, and that is temporarily true, but then guilt and remorse settle in and the cycle starts all over. (Intentional JOY- LTS). Ronald J Farber, University of Minneasota, confirms that chronic buying is a response to negative feelings that give short-term gratification but cause harm to the person or others.

How does one begin to heal from these painful addictive problems? The first step is awareness there's a problem. Sometimes this is self-awareness, "I need help." Often it comes from family, work, friends.  Seek out a 12 step group (google hoarding - both online and community programs available), a professional with addiction or money coaching experience, a church group like Dave Ramsey's Peace University.  Addictive behaviors don't go away - they fester. Please get help now.