Couples Money Talk: Why You React About Money & How to Stop

Mini Money History of Lynn: My husband Dave would try to talk to me about the bills, or credit card charges, or really ANYTHING to do with money and I had one of two reactions – I’d burst into tears or get angry. Neither reaction led to resolving the issue and left both of us frustrated, hurt and confused. If you’re in a relationship, I can bet reactions to money have happened in your household.

How is it that two perfectly reasonable people can turn into screaming or crying messes when the subject of money comes up?  Hint – think about how your parents were with money. In my household, money was a constant source of fighting because there wasn’t enough and because my parents didn’t know HOW to talk, about their feelings and needs in a constructive way. They also didn’t know how to plan or budget their $$.

Why do communication problems come up with nearly every couple around money? Here’s part of the answer: It’s the invisible mom and dad in our heads.  Let’s imagine the man in the couple had a father that worked really hard during the week and blew his pay-check on the weekend. Our husband marries a woman whose parents carefully managed every dollar, and were a little skimpy with their children’s wants. Now, this happily married young couple, after a few months of wedded bliss, start having money problems. He feels she’s too restrictive, she feels he’s not careful enough. And, they have no clue as to what’s driving those feelings, but it’s the hidden feelings that cause the reactions.

How to Stop Reacting and Start Communicating:  As a money coach I take couples through a process that allows them to safely talk about their specific money challenges, identify where the buttons were installed – it is our childhood or past relationships*– and have ground rules for how to talk about their feelings and needs.  For example, in my relationship today, I can say to Dave, “Honey, I’m feeling anxious about our retirement needs. Can we sit down and go over exactly what savings we have and our projected expenses?”  (This is a question I could never have asked a few years ago!!) 

Feel assured that with coaching, guidelines and a safe environment it becomes exciting to talk about money as a couple and it brings closeness, understanding and proactive planning.  Request your FREE 15 Minute Money Strategy Session Today.