Americans Are Addicted to Fear

Americans are addicted to fear and here's one story about why. A cute, athletic teen was running near her home. She noticed a car following a short distance behind her. As she paused to look at the car, three scary looking men got out and started after her. She ran around a corner and hid, then went to a neighbors and called 911. The police apprehended the men - all registered sex offenders. How often does this type of event happen? Not nearly as much as the media would have us believe. Bear with me for a moment and read to the end to find out if this story is true or not.

When we hear a story like the one above, we extrapolate to all the dangerous things that could happen to our children or our loved ones. James Breckenridge, a professor of psychology at Stanford University, says that... "negative information is stickier because the brain pays more attention to anything that appears threatening." What we don't focus on are all the safe children. From a positive view of this situation, this young woman knew what to do. She was aware of her surroundings and she immediately sought help. Carrying a cell phone is an extra precaution.

"If it bleeds, it leads" headlines encourage us to believe that we live in a much more dangerous world than ever before. In our current “Culture of Fear,” as the author Barry Glassner states, the average person believes crime has increased in the U.S., while it actually plunged in the 1990s and is today about where it was in the 1970s.

The new brain science demonstrates that the brain’s neural pathways are stimulated by repeated emotions. The more we feel afraid, stressed, or sad, the more susceptible we become to those states.  Over time these feelings become habituated.  Much like the alcoholic who can’t stop drinking, the news or drama/trauma junkie, gets a sort of high.

What's the solution? Awareness and retraining our attention to seek out the positive. The above story is true and happened to a young teen in Stanislaus County. As a child of 7 I was molested by a stranger in my neighborhood. I called him "the pony man and he was creepy looking." He had a camera and took cute photos of kids on the pony. What the moms didn't know was that he was also molesting vulnerable children. Though I was an exception, research shows, that most children are hurt not by strangers, but by people they know. In the 60s we weren't taught about how to protect ourselves. I learned after my experience to trust my "oh-oh" feeling and stay away from certain men. Fear serves a purpose when it's protective without limiting our ability to trust and connect. Yes, we want to empower our children, but not terrify them.

Ashamed to Talk About Money Problems?

Money is the last taboo. Shh... Don't talk about your money problems. Three years ago when people first stopped making their mortgage payments they hid that fact - no one they were close to knew. They were mortified someone would find out. They blamed themselves for their financial problems. While it's good to take responsibility for your part in a money crisis or challenge, you are not fully to blame for whatever economic mess you're in.

Just as it's hard to admit a financial problem to a friend or neighbor (who's probably in the same boat), money is a flash-fire issue between couples. I know. If my husband and I tried to talk about $$ I would inevitably get mad and yell at him or end up in a pile of tears. He stopped trying to talk with me. But, that didn't solve our money issues.

We see this money taboo reinforced in corporate culture where if you ask someone how much they make, they act like you've asked them to pull their pants down in public. (Well, some people would be happy to do that as long as it was on reality-TV).

Families can be extremely secretive about their money history. I didn't know until recently, that my grandfather, who died just before I was born, was the #1 insurance salesman for the #1 insurance company in 1929. You know what happens next. He lost his money in the crash and then he lost his identify, his sanity and eventually his life.  My dad never talked about his dad.

How do we break the taboo of secrecy? We tell the truth in safe places. In a monthly women's group I run, I encourage open discussion about money problems. At first the women are hesitant, but as they see the looks of recognition (yeah, me too) when someone says, "I haven't paid my taxes in 5 years," relief floods their face. They know they're not alone.

Begin breaking the taboo by telling the truth to yourself. Write in a journal or on a piece of paper you throw away afterwards what's going on with your money - the unpaid bills, the mortgage going into short-sale, the worry, the fear, the shame or guilt, the anger you're feeling. Just write it out. Then think about a safe person you can talk with - friend, pastor, counselor, coach. Next write out 3 action steps and do them.

 

Do You Really Need Another Pair of Shoes?

What's the difference between overspending and compulsive buying? Think of overspending as having a couple of pairs of shoes to compulsive buyers ten pair. Overspending & Compulsive buying have similar addictive challenges and consequences (debt, low self-esteem, family problems), but compulsive buying puts that model into overdrive. This problem is hard to avoid in a consumer-oriented, advertising driven culture.

Another distinguishing feature between the overspender and compulsive buyer is the amount of energy/time spend worrying about money. Both do, but the compulsive shopper is much more consumed by the anxiety and the consequences are more severe. (Klontz & Klontz - Mind Over Money) Compulsive buyers treat shopping or buying like a drug. The getting ready to, and the act of buying, provide an addictive high or drug like rush of anticipation - the "gotta have it" driver - that I mentioned in yesterdays blog about overspending.

Heads up women -  75% of compulsive buyers are women. Not all compulsive shoppers are actually buying, but spend hours and hours LOOKING. As I've said to women I've counseled that have weight concerns, "What could you do to make your life (& others lives) better if you weren't spending/wasting all that time and energy on worrying about your weight or dieting (shopping)?" Shopping to fill time or to ease anxiety once in awhile is no big deal. But when it's a major part of your life, time to take a breath and do a reality check! When you're 75 and look back on your life, will you feel good about this time spent? If not, stop judging yourself, but start right now to put a pause between the urge to shop/spend and the act of. (See blog on Overspending Doesn't Fix Anxiety 8-16-11)

One last thought: If you put one-tenth the energy you spend on shopping into improving your life - whew - that's a powerful use of your energy/time and MONEY.

 

 

Overspending Doesn't Fix Anxiety

I have a friend, Sandy, who grew up without parents actively involved in her life. Because of the money challenges she experienced as a child, she didn't have the clothes or the shoes that others did and she didn't feel like she fit in. As an adult she buys herself and children everything. She's also a generous gift giver. But, I bet she doesn't realize what drives her overspending (& debt) is a feeling deep inside of childhood deprivation.

Overspending means spending beyond our means or spending on credit when we don't have the ability to pay off the credit card each month. Overspending is often driven by the unconscious need for security, safety, comfort or wholeness. Overspenders have a confused and confusing relationship with money because they believe money will make them happy, but they're often broke because of how they spend money. (Klontz & Klontz, Mind Over Money)

Sandy, mentioned above, also enjoys the process of shopping and the connection she has with people that work at her favorite stores. Shopping and the way she is treated when spending money helps her feel good about herself and the attention she receives. Spending gives her relief from stress and anxiety. While Sandy's at a store shopping, she doesn't have to think about the to-do lists, her children's needs or her business pressures. I get it.

Like other addictive behaviors, overspending has a "gotta have it, go get it" driver and reward system that has to do with the body's feel good chemicals. Dopamine is the “gotta have it, go get it” neurotransmitter and serotonin is the “mission accomplished—got it” neurotransmitter. (Intentional JOY - LTS)  Unfortunately, once the shopping is completed, and the high wears off, guilt often sets in which increases anxiety and feeds the desire to feel better by spending - again.

To begin breaking the overspending habit pay attention to your stress and anxiety levels before shopping. On a scale of 0-10 (10 high) note how high those levels are and where in your body you experience them. Then take 10 slow, deep breaths. This creates a pause or slows down the immediate leaping into spending. Ask yourself: How am I feeling? What do I really need? Attention, time to yourself, comfort or nurturing, excitement, to be heard? Then take steps to give yourself those. And, if it fits, get some counseling to feel supported and heard.

 

Are You a Proud Workaholic?

Are you a proud workaholic? While a substance abuser may sheepishly admit to drinking more than they wanted to, most workaholics brag about their overconsumption. Workaholism is a money worshipping problem according to Klontz & Klontz (Mind Over Money). I used that term to describe myself this year to a friend, but I wasn't bragging. What exactly makes someone a workaholic?

This money issue is hard-wired into the American culture of MORE. If I just had more money, a bigger house, a flashier car, more expensive clothes, etc., etc., I'd be happier. Research shows that is not the truth. (See /7/13/11 blog: /blog/350/more-money-more-happiness) The belief that more will make us happy is an illusion that advertisers love to promote and our ego preens with to create a sense of self-worth.

Like any other addiction, workaholism, has an up side and a down side. The upside is that at work is where you shine - people appreciate your efforts, you may feel comfortable, successful, in charge, a part of things. (Klontz & Klontz) You may make lots of money and good for you, if there's some balance in your life also.

The downside? Strained relationships at home (if you're always working how can you feed or nurture your family relationships?) health concerns (chronic stress harms the body over time), a sense of emptiness, anxiety or boredom when not working. Though the workaholic may convince themselves they're working so hard for the good of the family, the family may not agree.

But, you may ask, lots of people are working 2 or 3 jobs at 50-60 hours a week, just to put food on the table. Are they workaholics? No. The difference is the motivation. The  person that's working like a maniac to survive would love to be able to spend more time with family, friends, on hobbies. The workaholic looks for ways to justify their work schedule.

Workaholism, like other addictions such as eating disorders, can be the result of growing up in a family that was perfectionistic and where nothing the child did was ever "good enough." I understand this one - the anxiety that comes from trying to prove oneself can be the invisible, unconscious driver. The solution? First identify there's a problem (and hint - if your family says your overworking is a problem - it is), then be willing to ask yourself these questions: What is it that drives you to work so hard? Who would you be if you weren't working? Is this work routine really working for you? What are you missing? What's the next step?

 

Feeling Lucky? When Gambling Becomes Pathological

My dad liked to gamble at the card rooms in Gardena, CA. He won our first horse gambling. It was just before Christmas and we three children were beyond elated. He won our second horse also. Was gambling a problem for him? There were fights about money between my parents. Did bills go unpaid? Did we do without in other ways? I don't remember. And, I'm glad to say none of us three children developed a gambling issue. (Plenty of other challenges, but not that one).  I'm at Lake Tahoe right now and I invested $20.00 in a slot machine and that's it for me.

When does the enjoyment of recreational gambling turn into pathological gambling? First of all, how much of a problem is gambling in America? Research shows about 5% of the population have gambling problems at some point in their lives (Klontz & Klontz, Mind Over Money) and up to 2% become pathological gamblers. These are the ones who end up with serious consequences like my husband's grandfather, who bet everything he owned and lost.

Gambling sits on a continuum. From the thrill of taking a risk to gambling for occasional pleasure to serious issues - think about where you'd place yourself on this continuum. Pathological gambling, like any serious addiction, is when someone has lost control of their behavior and repeats the harmful behavior (whether making a bet, taking a drink, overeating) even when there are serious financial, health or relationship issues. This is why addiction is considered an illness and needs to be treated as such.

The start of pathological gambling is often the first thrill of winning, the adrenalin rush, that provides a feeling of power and may convince the gambler they can beat the system. And, most importantly, this rush serves to cover up or distract from feelings of anxiety, or to act as a distraction to dealing with life's problems. The rush of the possibility of winning, the desire to be successful, to beat the system and the occasional WIN get powerfully hardwired in the brain together. "What fires together, wires together." (Rick Hanson, Buddha's Brain)

If you're having a problem with gambling, or know someone who is check out Gamblers Anonymous (www.gamblersanonymous.org) or google G.A. meetings in your community. Research shows that trauma treatment is often very helpful and therapies such as EMDR (or Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing) or EFT (Emotional Freedom Technique) are very effective trauma treatments. I would recommend a trained EMDR therapist who has a good understanding of addiction.

Hoarding: Extremely Good Saving or Problem?

"The Hermits of Harlem" were elderly brothers who took hoarding to the extreme. In 1947 the police were called in. They dug through 4 stories of trash and rotting junk and finally found one of the brothers corpse under a pile of newspapers, the other in his bed. Everything from a dissambled car, to concrete, to crushed umbrellas and broken baby carriages had been collected by the brothers for many, many years.

Today "Hoarders" is on TV and the problem and treatment are described. This is good news and I'm sure helps a lot of people. The roots of hoarding according to Dr.'s Klontz & Klontz (Mind Over Money) are that "... accumulated objects become stand-ins for love, affection, or whatever is missing in that person's life."  On the rational level it doesn't make any sense that someone would live in a house where they can barely move from one room to another, but on the emotional level inside the hoarder this behavior stands for something and makes perfect, though unconscious sense.  (Klontz & Klontz)

Root causes of hoarding could be genetic or a symptom of obsessive-compulsive disorder. If you have this challenge, seek out a good therapist, psychologist or psychiatrist for an evaluation. My preference would be to start with a psychiatrist because there are good medications for obsessive-compulsive disorder and then find a therapist who can teach you new cognitive-behavorial (thinking and doing) changes to work with the medication. Medication alone isn't enough in my opinion.

What I know from working for over twenty years with all types of addictions is that, crazy as it may seem, the behavior that is causing problems, whether it's alcohol, drugs, overeating, hoarding, overspending, etc. makes good sense on some level. The question I like to ask a client is:  I know this is a strange question, but how is this behavior helping you?  What are you really going for here? Answers vary from: for smoking - calms the anxiety, alcohol - relieves stress, overeating - nurturing, calming, stress relieving. You see the theme here? At the root of most if not all addictive behaviors is trying to FEEL BETTER and or going for the right feeling in the "wrong" (no judgment) way. Somehow, because of genetics, the family modeling you grew up with, you found something that helped you COPE with the feelings and troubles you were experiencing, however the coping behavior then became the problem.  (FREE first chapter of Intentional JOY: How to Turn Stress, Fear & Addiction into Freedom at www.lynntelfordsahl.com)

Prince Money Charming Ain't Coming

Were fairy tales part of your bedtime routine as a chid? They were mine and like most girls I loved the idea of Prince Charming rescuing the "sleeping"  (or otherwise unconscious) beauty so they could live happily ever after. Unfortunately, most of us princesses grew up and realized that even though a prince came into our lives, he didn't necessarily rescue us financially. In fact, sometimes, he was the one that needed rescuing. Too many women put off taking ahold of their finances still hoping or dreaming their Prince will come.

I still love a good story, including fairy tales, which I read to my granddaughters. But the illusion that somehow money will come to us if we just wait long enough is  a set up to not taking responsibility for our finances. It took me a long time to get this and I'm still a work in progress.

And, I, like some of you, had mixed messages. After my parents were divorced, if my mom got into financial trouble, her parents bailed her out. (Prince Charming...) Over and over again. That imprinted on my brain and I expected my husband to take care of me in this same way. He did, but it was an unfair expectation.

The early money messages we receive from family and culture can show up in adulthood as "money-worshiping money scripts," according to Dr.'s Klontz & Klontz (Mind Over Money). See if you relate to any of these:

* More money/things will make me happier     *If I just keep trying, my day will come," *"Security is boring,"  *"Life is short; live a little," or *"Spending money on someone is how you show love."

These scripts have a wave the magic wand element to them and are based more in fantasy than reality. In Deborah Price's language, (Money Magic) the "Innocent" archetype develops out of these beliefs and she is the one who sticks her financial head in the sand or pretends everything is ok when it isn't.

As we're discovering in this economy, money isn't the answer to happiness, it's just part of the storyline. Yes, enough money is essential to security and stability. Today a healthy partnership with money is the re-write of our early rescue fairy tales. Remember how at the end of Pretty Women, Julia Robert's character tells her Prince that she's going to rescue him right back?  That leads to a much happier ending.

The Economic Mess We're In

How'd we get HERE? Here meaning the first time ever that the S & P downgraded the US credit rating? As a Certified Money Coach paying attention to what's happening with money is important to myself and my clients so I'll share some of my research.

We're in a recession that's lasted much longer than the typical 18 months. The HOW is a long story and I'm going to give a short summary. Once upon a time the United States was in a time of "great prosperity." This lasted from 1947 - 1975 (source Robert Reich, President Clinton's Sec. of Labor, from his book Aftershock: The Next Economy & America's Future). During this time the average family income rose from about $25,000 to $55,000 a year. Then things changed. They always do. Automation replaced factory workers and globalization or outsourcing jobs to other countries brought wages down. Though there were still abundant jobs in the 90s they didn't pay as well as the previous ones. (They didn't have to - companies could go to Mexico or China).

Americans coped, according to Reich (pronounced Reish) in three ways: 1) In the 70s women went to (paid) work in large numbers and so there were two earners. 2) Everyone worked MORE and longer hours. Men on average were working 50 hours a week and women 40 by the mid 2000s. Many started working 2 or 3 jobs. 3) Draw from savings and borrow, borrow, borrow. You see where this is going, right? This last "coping mechanism" empties the coping accounts, so to speak. We've borrowed as much as we can from our homes, our savings, our 401ks. What happens after that? I talk to people every week who are barely hanging on, trying SO hard to do the RIGHT THING and not file bankruptcy. This is a choice they shouldn't have to be making.

What can we do? Well the past is gone. We're making this up as we go along now. We're going to have to work together and creatively and collectively think about what's good for the whole, not just the few.

Tomorrow: Three suggestions Reich makes to get the American economy back on track. You may not like what he has to say.

 

The Financial "Herd" Crisis: Here We Go Again

A few weeks ago I talked about "the herd mentality." Well here we all are running amok like lemmings and taking every one else with us. (Greed or Fear Making Decisions?) When the market began it's downward slide in 2008 I said to my husband Dave - "Watch how fear will spread like a wild fire, how people will react and sell stocks and that will create more fear." (That's not to say the legislators, bankers, etc. have no responsibility - they do)

Today it's deja vu all over again The stock market is down 361 points by 7:47 a.m. Pacific time. We've lost ALL the gains of 2011. Fear has jumped into the bus, pushed the driver out of the seat and taken over, once again. How far will the market drop? We'll know in 2 or 3 weeks. But that's not the root of the problem.

The root of the problem is FEAR.  Take a breath, get the rational brain in charge again and the reactionary brain calmed down. According to the Klontz's, (Mind Over Money) the fear that's driving the money bus right now is driven by the subconscious messages of our tribal consciousness when literally if we were kicked out of the TRIBE it meant death.

Here's how to calm down and get thinking rationally again: 1) Really, take 20 breaths using the yoga technique "alternate nostril breathing." (Place index finger on one side of your nose, take a deep breath, switch fingers to opposite nostril and exhale and continue for 20 breaths). Repeat every time you find yourself getting overanxious about the market or what you hear on the news. Will this change what's happened? No. But it breaks the stress overreaction cycle.

Take action: Now that you're calm, what actions do you want/need to take to protect yourself? Take your money out of the market? (Ok, but really think about whether withdrawing at this point will help or hurt you - remember the losses are  already gone and the more reacting there is the more losses happen.)  2) Talk to your stock advisor? 3) Express your opinion - send letters to your Legislators letting then know what you think and what you'd like to see done. 4) Prayer - yes, prayer. Research shows that green bean plants prayed for grow faster and larger than ones that aren't. A Washington D.C. experiment conducted by Buddhists showed a marked reduction in violence over the summer the city was prayed for. Imagine if a large percentage of America was taking action through expressing their needs, respectfully to Congress, and praying for - what? Good question. How about to work together to make calm, rational decisions based on the good of the whole?