Love or Hate Relationship with Money?

You may love the money in your life or hate it, but you are definitely in a relationship. Your relationship with your money could be healthy or unhealthy, conscious and involved or mostly ignored and avoided. Deborah Price says, “We have a relationship with anything we are connected to or dependent on.” Many of us don’t think about or evaluate our relationship with money though it touches our lives every single day. And, depending on how we treat our relationship with money, it can be our friend or foe because it mirrors back to us exactly what we put into the relationship. 

If you’re not sure what your relationship with money is try this short exercise:  Think about money and write down the first 5 words that come into your mind. As short as this list is, it will tell you something very quickly about whether the part of you that sits under the surface (your subconscious mind) views money as positive or negative. (And, it’s the subconscious mind that we need to understand because it often runs the money show especially in times of stress).

Let’s say the words were something like: scary, overwhelming, secretive, fun, never enough. I’m just making this up now, but if my relationship with money is influenced by this type of “shadow” energy which means what I really think that's under the surface, I may find myself going along just fine, not thinking much about money as long as things are stable. I also may spend money and keep it a secret from my partner because I don’t want them to get “mad” at me, or it’s my way of exerting some control with my husband. When a financial challenge comes along – blam – that feeling of overwhelm hits and I avoid dealing with the money problem, and we know how well that works, right?

So, now what? You may have a glimpse that there’s more to your relationship with money than just your paycheck or the bills you pay. Tune in tomorrow for how to understand your relationship with money by looking at your parents relationship with money. As Deborah Price says your ability to change your relationship with money lies in direct proportion to your level of consciousness or awareness about money. So, let's explore our money relationship.

The Big Money Lie

"Not since the Great Depression..." have economic times been so tough. We hear this statement a lot these days. Like the sand inside the oyster shell that becomes a beautiful pearl, financial crisis canprovoke the desire to become financially healthy. But change requires awareness and doing things differently. Change is not comfortable for us human beings. We like comfort and security which is one of the reasons we give money so much importance - it's the agreed upon method for getting our basic survival needs met - food and a place to live - which allow us to get more of our emotional (attention, comfort, love) needs met.  

But what is the big money lie? According to Brad and Ted Klontz, authors of Mind Over Money, the big lie is that your financial problems are your fault because you're stupid, lazy, crazy or greedy. In my opinion, I'm still responsible for my mistakes with money. But what they're saying is that the challenges with money come not from our conscious, rational mind, that wants to do the right thing (most of us), but from our unconscious mind where our unfinished money history and beliefs sit minding their own business until that delightful sale for shoes reminds us of the good times we spent with mom shopping. Or, the fear that was instilled in little Sarah's hearing her parents tumultuous fights about the bills, keeps her putting off paying her own. 

When we're children we're trying to make sense out of the world around us. We take in the financial behaviors, words and emotions of our parents or chief caretakers and make up stories to best understand. Of course, because we're little and our brain is still forming so it's not always accurate information. Eventually we grow up and go off into our own financial life with the baggage - good or bad - dragging along behind us. We don't know this baggage is there until our financial buttons gets pushed - like with Sarah above. She may not understand why she can't pay her bills. She berates herself for being so "stupid," she knows better. But she doesn't know how to change this behavior.  

To heal the big lie the first step is being willing to get honest about the fact that your money life is crying out for healing. The next step is to educate yourself, but not just in a "nuts and bolts" way such as budgets, debt reduction. Really important and great stuff. But, to make sure that work lasts, an exploration of your money past is essential. For example, "What's your earliest money memory?" What money memories come up when you think of your parents and how do those affect your financial life today? 

3 Steps for Financial Stress Relief

Are you ready for financial stress relief? Whatever we're stressed about we tend to overfocus on with worry, doubt, confusion or anxiety. Of course, whatever we think about gets bigger and bigger in our mind creating more stress. And, we don't always know how to intervene with ourselves and STOP the downward spiral.

I have been there, I get it. One of my missions over the last ten years has been to learn how to take charge of my money, stop feeling like a victim to the ups and downs of my self-employed income, the stock market and to create more JOY and peace.

First, we do have to peek under the covers of our financial business and know what's going on. Hiding or avoiding our money challenges actually creates more worry and fear. In fact, it's said that by the time someone makes an appointment to go to therapy, they're well on the way to healing. Why? The decision to get help for themselves has been made. If you're too overwhelmed to look at your finances by yourself, a credit counselor, a money coach such as myself, go to a Dave Ramsey Financial Peace class at a church - but DO something.

Here are 3 things you can do to start taking control:

Step One: Mind Your Money:  First off, you have to know how much money you have in your bank account and cash on hand, the amount of your expenses or the bills that need to be paid. If you're online, look at your bank balances every day - just for a minute every day.

Step Two: Develop an easy Bill paying system: Who likes to pay BILLS? No one. For one thing when I see the word bill my stomach tightens, this sense of heaviness comes over me. But try this re-frame of bill to a "request for payment." Robert Schienfeld, author of Busting Loose from the Money Game,wrote a concept shifting book and says that to think of bills as an opportunity to appreciate the services you are receiving. I love this and use it myself. For example, instead of gripping about the cost of your energy bill "reframe"  your thinking to appreciate all the things electricity brings into your home. Or your car payment - well, you get the idea. Practice reframing bill to requests for appreciation for 60 days and notice how it changes the anxiety and avoidance around making those payments.  Also, have a regular bill paying day - mine is Monday.

Step Three: Think Positive: Thought is energy. I know it's been said over and over, but it's the truth. Whatever we think about is what we are creating and then experiencing. If you doubt this, next time you're sitting in your car at a stop light turn, look and think something nice about the person in the next car. See if they don't turn around and look back.

Financial Stress Disorder Toxic for Health & Productivity

The American public is caught is a storm of financial fear. Who can blame them? The cost of living is up, home prices down, unemployment hovers at about 12% for the country, but here in the Central Valley nearly 18%. Many are working 2 or 3 jobs to keep food on the table and a roof over head. I heard the term Post Financial Stress Disorder (sorry, don't have author's name) and think it's a perfect fit for the severe economic  trauma that so many have experienced.

Financial stress like any other stress can become toxic. Dr. Pamela Peeke, National Institute of Health researcher and author of Fight Fat After 40, says toxic stress is unrelenting, chronic stress that begins to affect all parts of the body-mind and, especially for women, causes belly-fat weight gain. (That's another subject). I just talked to a woman client yesterday who lost her financial lifestyle 4 years ago. She doesn't sleep well, has heart palpitations, body aches, is extremely anxious and depressed. That's the story for millions of Americans.

How do we solve the financial stress problem? There's no quick-fix solution here. One thing though is to let go of guilt and shame about where you're at. Yes, part of it is your responsibility and part of it is a big societal challenge around the division of wealth. According to David DeGraw (The Richest 1% article) America had the highest inequality of wealth in the industrialized world before 2008 and it's worse now.

For daily stress management self-care is essential. Though it may sound simplistic, there's strong research to support, deep belly breathing as a way to lesson the effects of stress. I've been teaching stress management for 20 years and am known as "The Breathing Queen" in my networking groups.  Breathing calms the body and when the body is calm, the mind follows which allows better decision making.

Recipe:  3 X a day for 30 days take 10-20 breaths in this way: Breathe in through your nose to the count of 6, hold for a moment, exhale out nose to count of 6. Easy, cheap, helpful. Like anything have to practice to make it a positive habit.

 

Wealth Equals Power or Security?

Yesterday I had coffee with my friend Peggy Gardiner, a clutter and organizational consultant, who worked for 7 years as an estate manager (trained to manage the financial & personal affairs of the wealthy) and she something very interesting about how the wealthy view money. "The wealthy think money is about power and the working/middle class see it as security." Big difference, yes?

Let's look at some current economic statistics:  In 1998 there were 1 million who filed bankruptcy. (The Wealthy Spirit, Chellie Campbell)  There were over 4 million who filed bankruptcy from 2008 to today.  The credit card industry is a 550 billion a year business and nearly 50% of borrowers do not pay their balance in full each month. Fifty percent of all marriages end in divorce and money is the #1 conflict. People are working longer hours, but for less money. According to Social Security most people retire without enough money to maintain their lifestyle. (Wealthy Spirit) And, one last depressing stat., a 1997 Oppenheimer Fund study found 1 in 7 women in their fifties hadn't saved a dime for retirement.  What is wrong with this picture?

Maybe it's our view of money and maybe it's our view of what we deserve or not that creates problems. Part of the problem is how we think about money (or not), our beliefs, patterns & habits that are too often hidden from conscious view. We don't really explore or work to change our money patterns and so the dysfunctional behavior gets passed down from generation to generation.

How'd we get to the point where money has become so highly valued (we all say we want more of it and we equate lots of it with success) but we often act thoughtlessly (not saving, overspending, creating too much debt) as if we don't respect it much at all?  There's a lot of internal confusion about money.

Lynne Twist who wrote The Soul of Money says the word wealthy has at its roots well-being and is meant to connote not only large amounts of money, but also a rich and satisfying life. What does money mean to you? Write down the first 5 words that come to mind - don't censor or think too much. Are these words positive or negative? Think about your first money memory and how your parents were with money. How did this impact your own financial behaviors and decisions?  Let me know.

Women & Money: Time to Power-Up

Most divorced or widowed women are out of money in five years says Deborah Price, money coach and author of Money Magic. That's frightening. I know when my parents divorced there was a drastic economic change in my mother and our lives.

American women received the right to vote in 1920 - less than a hundred years ago. Women entered the workforce in large numbers starting in the 70s but today still earn only 78 cents on the dollar, compared to men. Add into this mix the lack of training (for both sexes) about how to think about and handle money and no wonder money (& power) continue to be such a challenges for women.  For women, learning about money creates a huge opportunity for self-empowerment to better their own lives and by extension their families and communities.

Money also represents power in this world. It's a sad fact that in America only 16% of Congress are women. One reason it's important to have more women's voices represented is to make sure women's concerns such as equal pay, child care, and family issues are heard.  How is that related to money? A good amount of "women's work" is still unpaid and child care is one of the lowest paid professions. Getting elected to Congress takes money.

If money is power how is this power handled by the average woman? Bear with me for a minute...It used to be in the 50s and 60s that some women would "manipulate" their husbands to get what they wanted - a new refrigerator, more money for groceries, etc. No judgement - manipulation is an indirect vs. a direct way of accomplishing something and because of the traditional power structure (men make the decisions) smart women knew how to work within the system.

Have women moved beyond feeling powerless with money? We're in process and we haven't yet assumed our full earning potential.  Median annual income for women in 2006 was about $35,000 and for men $46,000.

What can women do to power-up their relationship with money? Here are a couple suggestions: Educate yourself about money - don't put it off. Take a class or workshop at your local junior college or community center. Read books like Money Magic or Mind Over Money. Take a Dave Ramsey Peace University course at your local church.  Or, hire a money coach (I offer individual coaching & Money workshops by phone, skype or in-person - www.lynntelfordsahl.com)

Easier to Talk About Sex Than Money?

Most couples find it easier to talk about sex than money. How about you? I'd say that was true for my husband and I for a good part of our 30 year marriage. That only changed when I looked at my money issues and began resolving them.

It's safe to say that almost everyone has unresolved money issues and they show up big-time in our couple relationships. Why? We don't talk about money - it pushes our buttons - the buttons our parents installed but are often under our conscious radar.  We don't understand that what causes the stress about talking about money are those  unexamined money buttons that create a pressure-cooker inside. And, as Deborah Price says, "...women respond to money with fear, and men with anger." (Money Magic - great book by the way). When my husband and I would try to talk about money, I'd dissolve into tears. Nothing got resolved.

According to Deborah Price, couples tend to have one of three patterns they operate out of. The traditional pattern is the most common where the husband takes the lead in financial decision making. Many working women still don't feel knowledgeable enough about money to ask for equal say. It's important to remember that women have only been in the workforce in larger numbers since the 70s so we're playing catch-up in terms of making and handling money.  The other two patterns are contemporary where the couple make joint decisions and autonomous where each make their own money decisions separately and do not combine finances.

To understand your own couples money patterns ask yourself these questions: 1) How did your parents handle money? Were they open or secretive? 2) Did you grow up feeling money was abundant or scarce? 3) What money type best describes your mother? Your father? (Take the FREE Money Type Quiz at www.lynntelfordsahl.com - look for the Money Tree) 4) Was money a frequent source of conflict between your parents? 5) Did you often sense that either of your parents were worried or fearful about money?  (Questions from Money Magic) Be gentle with the information that comes from these questions and continue to educate yourself about your relationship with money. Our unexplored and unresolved money issues block our prosperity, financial well-being and happy relationships. An excellent resource is Deborah's book Money Magic.

 

 

 

Victim of Financial Trauma?

Financial Trauma is repetitive financial stress. Just when you start to relax and think things are going to be ok - blam - the market boomerangs once again. The small American investor, saving for retirement gets frightened and reactive. Three weeks of super volatility and Monday  the Dow fell more than 600 points. Ow... No wonder we're feeling traumatized.

We equate money with security. Most of us hard-working Americans have been placing money into 401 (k)'s for years to supplement retirement social security. Retirement, a far away, but magical place where we're able to relax, unwind, travel, hang out with friends, and have extra to enjoy life after we pay our bills seems further and further away because of the market ups and downs that is symptomatic of economic chaos.

Dr.Joshua Klapow, clinical psychologist at University of Alabama in Birmingham says he likens the economic climate to a natural disaster. It takes time and healing to get over a natural disaster and an economic one. (Financial Stress: Investors Experience Emotional Fallout - ABCNEWS 8-25-11)   http://tinyurl.com/3f27hcb

Financial trauma includes market losses, job loss, downsizing, long-term unemployment, short-sales, foreclosures. These are big impact items in Americans lives.

There's no easy fix, but some things to consider: If you're feeling scared, it's not the time to make big economic decisions. Take a breath - no, that alone won't make everything better. But stress, especially chronic stress, hijacks the thinking brain. If you take 10 -20 breaths every time you feel anxious it begins to re-train the brain and your body to relax. Think about the worse case scenario - if I lose my house, my job, fill in the blank, can I live with that? What are my options? Who can I turn to? What agencies are out there I can get help from?  Remember you're not alone. Lots of folks in the world are afraid because there's so much uncertainty.

Our economic world is in the midst of enormous change. All change processes start with an ending. The ending for America was 2008 when the economic abuses of the financial industry (& our addiction to easy-money & debt)  hit the fan. Like any addictive process, what goes up must come down. The hardest part of a change cycle is the chaotic middle zone and that's where we're at. But at some point, there will be a new beginning. It's up to us what that will look like.

Money Is Love - Oh, Oh...Strings Attached

Do you give slip a twenty to your daughter when she comes over for dinner because you know she's not making much money?  Has your adult son just moved back home and you're not charging him rent? Do you bail your family out when they can't pay their bills, despite the fact you're not rich? These are all examples of financial enabling, "a need to give money to others, whether you can afford it or not,"  and believe me, it's not in the other's best interest. (Klontz & Klontz, Mind Over Money)

Money equals love, right? Financial enablers, like those that enable someone with an addiction problem, are trying to help, but in fact creating dependency and powerlessness. Because of the economy, this is a growing problem. The longer your daughter  is bailed out, the tougher it becomes for her to deal with her financial helplessness, self-esteem challenges or lack of job-training and to solve her own problems.  I know this territory. I'm the oldest of three and I have financially enabled both my brother and sister in the past around their substance abuse issues. No more, but I really understand where the desire to help comes from.

Often the person helping gives or loans money with strings attached - "Come for dinner, I'm just asking you to stay in touch, Could you can do ____ (this) for me? (And, if they don't resentment builds or builds anyway.) "I'm paying your rent, you need to get a job or stay sober. All very murky territory.

The underlying issues with financial enabling (according to Klontz & Klontz) are that money equates with love. Or, parents feel guilty about poor parenting and are trying to make up for it with money now. Children learn to take the easy way out because that's what's allowed. They manipulate the system.

If you're ready to help those family or friends in a more constructive way first realize your giving money does more harm than good. You're disempowering and creating dependency. Two: The first step will need to come from you - Sit down and talk to your family members. Let them know you've made a new decision and give them a time frame for change. For example, if you're paying rent or they're living with you - say gently: "You have 6 months to find a job, save enough money and get your own place. You'll have to find another place to live at that time." Set the limit and keep it. (Yes, I know it's painful, but remember you're helping by cutting the dependency and trusting they will be ok.)

Money Secrets = Money Conflicts

I have a confession to make - I've minimized the amount I paid for an outfit so my husband wouldn't get angry with me. How many of you have done something similar? When I talk with women about their money histories I hear similar stories fairly often. One woman hides her purchases in the trunk of the car and waits until her husband is asleep to bring them in. Another writes a check for part of a purchase and pays cash for the rest.

Are these women being clever or disempowered with their money? I understand the deception though, as money is the #1 area of conflict in relationships. Dr. Klontz & Klontz call this  money pattern "financial infidelity," which just means keeping financial secrets from your partner and secrets fuel dysfunction.

Men keep money secrets too and tend to spend on bigger ticket items. I know of a man who bought and kept a piece of property without his wife's knowledge. When they divorced, the property was completely under the joint property radar. "Some take out a second mortgage, cash out a 401 (k), or make risky investments." (Klontz & Klontz) All of these are examples of financial infidelity or what I would call  just plaid fraud.

The way to change the money conflict dynamic is: 1) Willingness & Safety: You have to feel safe enough to talk to your partner about your beliefs, values and actions with money without attack or reprisal. 2) Develop a plan of spending and savings (don't call it a budget  if that creates resistance!!) 3) Start off with a 30-60 day plan. Talk weekly. Keep to your plan and discuss challenges/obstacles that come up. 4) If the plan isn't working or all you do is fight, seek counseling or coaching help. (Telford-Sahl) (Klontz & Klontz)  Money is the canary in the coal-mine of marriage and there are probably deeper issues going on. A good Certified Money Coach who follows Deborah Price's system is one place to start.