Shopping & Loneliness: A Perfect Match

Shopping and loneliness go together like a perfectly matched pair of shoes. I was having lunch with two business women friends yesterday and I asked them what they saw as money challenges women face.  "When I'm stressed I shop. It makes me happy, sort of." My other friend said, "I eat and it's comforting, but then I feel guilty." Shopping, food - Bingo.  Quick Relief - then guilt!

Our busy, on the go lives are stressful. We look for relief at the end of the day. Sometimes that relief is a glass of wine (or two or three), but often for women it's shopping. With the shopping channels and the internet, we don't even have to leave home.  We can have that glass of wine and point and click those purchases.

I've heard LOTS of women talk about the rush or thrill of buying and then the let down and guilt afterwards. The question I believe is important to ask is this:  What are you really going for when you have that glass of wine or hit the click button to buy?  Is it fun, peace of mind, connection? And, what else can you do to feel better?

When I used to drink excessively (over 30 years ago) I hung out in bars. Loved it. Fun. But what I realized as I was growing myself up was what I had been going for was connection with people because I was lonely.

Well, guess what? Research shows that while we hope that shopping will make us happier (after all, isn't that what advertisements show?) and less lonely, it actually increases loneliness. "..a fixation on "stuff" - especially around the holiday season - is usually blamed on an overly consumerist culture...." But the study suggests it's more a symptom of individual alienation - loneliness!  (* The Insatiable Shopper - Agata Blaszcak-Boxer - Atlantic)  

What to do?  If we're lonely, stressed or anxious and we shop or drink a glass or wine we bump up our feel good chemicals - the endorphins, temporarily.  Though you feel better in the short term, it's not a lasting fix. Break out of your comfort zone and reach out to friends if you're lonely, give to others - volunteer time or money, (according to Happy Money authors both of these activities increases happiness). But, never, ever give money to someone you meet through a chat room. (Another time I'll write about this money NO NO for vulnerable, lonely women.)

Check out FREE Money Webinars to shift stress and anxiety into Freedom!!  http://lynntelfordsahl.com/womens-inner-money-game-free/

Can You Ever Be Too Rich or Too Thin?

"You can never be too rich or too thin."  Babe Paley, 1950s socialite 

Did you know that wealth and weight issues are often tangled together for women? 

Women will go to extreme measures to look good and spend thousands of dollars over a lifetime on diet products, clothes and shoes and justify the expense for reasons that vary from:  "I have to look good for work," to "I'm working so hard I deserve this." By the way, that same justification works for food as well as shopping. Some women shop (or eat or restrict eating) to fill time because they're bored, or for the adrenalin high that comes with shopping anticipation.

These are not bad or wrong behaviors or feelings but they only work temporarily to make you feel better and they can dilute your power and productivity. 

Weight and money issues are self-esteem issues. Insecurity and the advertising industry drive the multi billion dollar dieting industry, pressure women to have more clothes than they can wear, purchase designer bags and shoes, and develop wasteful spending habits. I'm not saying it's not fun to spend money, but to take charge of our money women need to be very MINDFUL of what the energy it takes to earn money and where their money goes. 

Here are some questions to think about:

    Guesstimate how much you've spent in your lifetime on dieting books, videos, products. (Don't include gym memberships you actually use for health or fitness).

    What's your annual budget for clothes?  If you don't have a budget or know how much you spend you need to.  Guesstimate  how much you really spend each year on clothes, purses, shoes, jewelry.  How much of this is is a need or a want?  How much of the dieting or spending is to distract yourself from anxiety or emotional upset?  Remember what Peggy Gardiner, the Organizer said:  A shopping need is to replace something worn out, a want is anything else.  (I think that's a little stringent, but good to think about.) I hope this fuels some thinking & discussion.

If you're in business for yourself how much do you invest each year on education, self-improvement, business or financial education compared to what you spend on dieting or clothing?  Be honest and gentle.

Won't More Money Will Solve All My Problems?

"If I just had more money, my problems would be solved." According to Brad Klontz." (author of academic study, "Money Beliefs and Financial Behaviors: Development of the Klontz Money Script Inventory," published in The Journal of Financial Therapy)  most Americans fall into this money belief pattern.

Our self-worth and our net-worth are very intertwined in American culture and our money beliefs are for the most part unexplored and below the surface of awareness. Have you ever overreacted to a financial situation like your spouse asking you something about the household finances and wondered, "What just happened?"  I know I have. That reaction is tied to your unexplored money beliefs, habits, attitudes and patterns.

The Klontz Study says there are four categories of "money scripts": money avoidance, money worship, money status and money vigilance.

Those of us who avoid money distance ourselves from money. (I used to, but no more). They stick their head in the sand, may abuse credit cards, believe they don't deserve to have money and can sabotage themselves and not understand why.

Then there's a money worship group that believe more money or a windfall will solve all my problems. They are status oriented. They will use credit cards to buy to impress others. Anxiety and status can cause people in this group to take  financial risks.

Understanding and exploring your money beliefs and how these affect the financial stress in your life and how you make financial decisions is life changing. Every money coaching client I've worked with has made belief and attitude shifts in the middle of the coaching process because of the light bulbs of awareness that occur. That's exciting and empowering.

Klontz doesn't let people off the hook regarding the homes they bought and couldn't really afford. He says don't blame Wall Street, but "...what led you to buy a house you couldn't afford?" I don't believe in letting the banks off the hook though.

To understand your money attitudes, beliefs and behaviors more read Mind Over Money by the Klontz's or my favorite: Money Magic by Deborah Price.