Money Stress: 3 Tips to Feel Better

What’s the top reason for divorce? Money problems. And, money stress, is the number 1 stressor for 80% of Americans. Symptoms include:

Headaches, depression, heart attacks, muscle tension and back pain and ulcers and digestive problems.  Notfun.

But what exactly is stressing you about your money situation? Pick your top stressor:  Debt, lack of income, not saving enough, fights with your partner, just not knowing where to begin?

Tip 1: Talk About Money

Especially for women, talking about what’s really going on lightens the load and makes you realize you’re not alone.  As I give presentations about money to women in business I hear over and over about the struggles with money. Until we talk about what’s going on we FEEL we’re the only one.  Find a friend or family member to confide in. If there isn’t one available, I offer a FREE 15 minute consult (LINK HERE209 492-8745 or email me lynntelfordsahl@gmail.com)

Stress Busting Breakthrough Tip:

Tip 2: BREATHE  I know, I know. Breathing won’t CHANGE your money situation, but when the body relaxes the mind relaxes and solutions become more clear. 

Here’s How:  Exhale first. Breathe in the to the count of 6, hold for a moment and exhale to the count of 6. Take 10 breaths at least 3 x a day.  I’ve taught breathing as stress reduction for over 20 years and it’s the #1 most effective tip. It’s FREE, can be done anytime, anywhere.

Tip 3:  Create a Plan:  You have to start somewhere. Get the bill folder out, the credit card slips. Tally up what you owe.  Now you know. It may not be pretty, but not knowing often creates more anxiety. Next step? Figure out what you can pay weekly or monthly – better to pay something than nothing.  LearnVest.com is a terrific website for financial help. Feel a little better?

Fifty Shades of Green – Attn: Women in Business

Attention Women in Business: What’s a bigger discussion taboo around the dinner table?  (Adult dinner table, of course) Money or sex? No doubt about it, money.

If you’re a woman you’ve probably read “Fifty Shades of Grey” and have been talking about it with your friends. But I bet you haven’t talked about Fifty Shades of Green – a more important (but less lustful) topic to your bottom line than the characters of Christian Grey or Anastasia Steele could ever be. 

Isn't it hard to talk about money? It’s stressful and sometimes scary. Money in the world of Fifty Shades is full of fun and fantasy – palatial apartments, new cars given to girlfriends, helicopter rides for first dates. (Hello handsome, sexy Christian Grey). For us mortals though, money is hard to tell the truth about because we always think others know more than we do, or that they’re doing better than us. (Probably not true – and you can’t tell by what size house your friend lives in or how much shopping they do).  In the real world, money is mundane, boring, and sometimes darn right uncomfortable – you know all those bills we’re not paying.

But if you really want to be a successful woman in business you need to talk about money – with your spouse, with your business partners, and yes, with your girlfriends. Not shopping talk, but real financial talk. Here are some questions to get you started:  1) What are your top money stressors? 2) Who is your financial advisor and is it a woman? 3) Without talking specific numbers – are you making the money you want to be making?  4) What’s the biggest obstacle to making the money you’d like?  5) What wildly fun thing would you like to do when you have more money?  (Notice I said when, not if). Let’s make money talk less stressful and more JOYful and help ourselves and help each other succeed AND read exciting, sexy novels.

Excuses, Excuses: 3 Reasons Why Women in Business Are Still Broke

Excuses, excuses.  There are reasons why you're still broke. Do you treat money with the respect it deserves? Perhaps you ignore your money (or should I say the balance in your checking account) except when you need to buy that pair of shoes on sale. Or, you live from pay-check to pay check, hoping you’ll make it to the end of the month, but never quite sure. Anxiety provoking? Yes. On one side of the money coin are those that aren't making enough money and struggle. But, I hear from women all the time on the other side of the NO Respect coin. They make plenty of money, but don’t know where it goes or feel out of control because they're not managing it well.

First Excuse: Not saving enough. This is the #1 suggestion in Money Magazine’s July 2012 article “101 Ways to Build Wealth” – instead of 10% of your pay, start saving 15% - boosts your pre-retirement income from 57% to 69% and that’s huge. Retirement comes faster than you can imagine!

Excuse #2:  Women Spend on Piddly Things: Women spend on beauty products, shoes, purses – things that don’t last and don’t add real value to their wealth. LearnVest says “spending on a vacation or a clothing item that revolutionizes your wardrobe are totally worthwhile and prioritize your spending.”    *hyperlink and hyperlink back to one of my blogs)

Excuse #3:  It's My Parents Fault: Yes, our parents spending, saving or earning habits affect how we feel and think about money. Are you frugal to the point it hurts? Or are you an avoider like your mom was? Or a bit of a tyrant with others as your dad could be around bill paying time?  Becoming aware of how our parents money habits affects ours starts the process of unhooking and reclaiming our own responsible relationship with our money. Are you ready to give up your excuses? Money is not important for the paper or coin it is – it’s important for the choices it gives us. Do you ever look in the mirror and wonder: What are the steps to going from broke to respectful with my money?  

How Much Money Is Enough for Peace?

A friend of mine has a saying, “If you want to know what you believe, look at what you’re experiencing.” So true. But many of us don’t want to look at what we believe or how we behave with money because we’re afraid of what we might find. And, we often don’t have a safe way of doing so. That’s where money coaching is helpful.

What we believe affects how much money we make, manage or or build for the future. For example, the overspender justifies her purchases with excuses - “Well, I’m not spending that much, I only shop at the dollar store.” The avoider doesn’t look at his bank account balance, or save for retirement because it’s too far away to feel real.

Our core money beliefs are ingrained deeply within. We have  we’ve stopped asking WHY we need to work so hard or acquire money.  But what money means to us is a key question to understand. Kansas State University and the Klontz Consulting Group show that How much money is enough for you? That’s a question I ask when giving presentations and the answer tends to be twice what they’re currently earning. When they reach that next goal? The new goal is – you see where we’re going here – twice again.

Take the Quiz by clicking on this link and find out if the beliefs that run your money bus are: Money Worship, Money Vigilance, Money Avoidance, or Money Status and you’ll find there are recommended steps to deal with each type.  Then call or email me and we’ll talk about the results in a 15 minute complimentary conversation. 

Is It True That Nice Girls Don't Get Rich?

Nice Girls Don't Get Rich author Lois Frankel, Ph.D (a rich woman in more ways than one) says that many of the characteristics that make women uniquely feminine are the very same behaviors that prevent them from becoming financially independent. What does she mean by that?

Women are socialized to be the caretakers and still today more women go into the helping professions than men, which don't pay as well as other professions. Ms. Frankel says she spent "the first half her adult life believing that doing good and doing well were mutually exclusive." 

Take a look at this "nice girl" programming and see what you think:

* Money is power, and most little girls are not taught to be powerful - they're taught to be "nice."

Are girls getting a different message today? I'm not so sure. Women are still called the "B" word when they act assertive, and not just by men. My cousin Kim Kelly, a professional polo player (horses not water) was treated bad by the male polo players, but got little support by women players.  It makes me sad when I hear women putting down other women with comments like: "Women are so catty," or I hate working in an office of "backstabbing" women. I've always expected the best from women and that's what I've experienced.

* Girls are socialized to be caretakers, nurturers and accomodators - not necessarily breadwinners. (But many of us are.) 

It's wonderful to be caring and loving. And, we know that taking care of a family, on top of a job, is exactly what it sounds like - 2 jobs!! One solution I'd like to see is better child care help in terms of subsidies. If we can subsidize big business, what about working women with young children? It will take more women in Congress to accomplish this. Currently America has one of the lowest representations of women (16%) of any of the industrialized nations.

* Women are more likely to spend their income on their children and the household, whereas men are more likely to be prudent about investing.  Women ARE the consumers in our culture. Something like 80% of goods bought are bought by women. That's all fine, but we have to get better at saving and thinking of our future - afterall, as I've said before in this blog, all those shoes in our closet won't feed or house us in retirement.

Two questions for you to Consider:  What do you think it will take for us women to be both "nice" and powerful with our money? What would happen if you stopped being so concerned about whether others see you as "nice" and focused more on making and keeping more of your money? 

Widow Alert: A Man Is Not a Retirement Plan & Social Security is No Savior!

My coach and mentor Deborah Price of The Money Coaching Institute in Petaluma, CA says that most widows are out of money within 5 years. Whew!! Frightening. She also says: "A Man is not a retirement plan." As a Money Coach I talk to women every day who avoid the topic of retirement, or the subject of money in general. I understand, I used to be one of those women!!

But life can provide rude awakenings so please read on and I'll share a true story with you:  I was at a party and got to talking to a woman about money because she asked me what I do. Glenda (name changed) told me that she’s now 75. When she was 59 her husband died unexpectedly at 66. She called Social Security to find out about her benefits as she assumed she would receive 70% of his monthly amount and was shocked to find out that for each month she was NOT 65 Social Security deducted ½% of his total. She ended up receiving 40%, a very different amount than she had planned on or needed to live the comfortable lifestyle they had together. (Note: I've since talked to a really sharp financial advisor and she's investigating whether it's possible for her to now change and take her own SS benefits over her husbands).

I have a friend who just lost her husband, again unexpectedly. He was 72 and she’s 47. They have no children so she will only receive a $250.00 death benefit and has no right to any of his social security. I know he thought she’d be fine when he went. But, she no longer has his income which amounted to most of their monthly income.

The moral of these stories?  Know what Social Security will and will not provide, make sure you have life insurance, (my 47 year old friends husband did not) and have a financial advisor calculate out the amount of money you will need per month to maintain at least 75% of your income. Start an automatic savings program and find a good financial advisor in your area. Ask around and if you're a woman in business try to find a good female adviser. Losing a husband is a huge loss and financial problems complicate everything. Start thinking about and planning not only the IDEAL retirement, but for the worse-case scenarios and you'll be ok financially.

What Money Secrets Do You Keep from Your Spouse?

Shh.... Did you tell your spouse or partner how much you really spent for Christmas? What would they say if they knew? What other money secrets do you keep? Do you have a secret credit card hidden away for those little shopping sprees? Do you shop and then sneak the packages into the house when he's not home? Do you gamble with the boys and tell your wife you spent $50.00 when it was really $200.00? Do you have a secret savings account just for your own emergencies? This behavior is called financial infidelity, a term coined by Brad & Ted Klontz, authors of Mind Over Money, and it means "deliberately and surreptitiously keeping a major secret about one's spending or finances from one's partner."

Money secrets are powerful. And, we come by keeping our secrets in part because we're not taught to talk about money, much less tell the truth about it. The other part often comes from watching how our parents behaved with money. If not talking or telling the truth about money causes such problems, why do we do it? According to the Klontz's it stems from trust issues rooted in chidhood as we observe our parents. Good questions to ask to explore this for yourself: How did my parents act with money? Did they keep secrets from each other? How did I know? Most couples start lying about their spending to avoid conflict. Understandable, but unfortunately avoidance doesn't solve problems.

Money is the #1 stressor and source of conflict for most couples. I know it was for my husband and I for many years. Well, it was and it wasn't. We didn't talk about it except when he was reconciling the check book. Or, when he would try to talk with me about money and I'd either burst into tears or get angry and push him away. Neither one of these reactions was an effective way to solve whatever financial situation was up. 

Change requires doing something different. Here are a few things to get you started. 1) Make a date to talk with your partner and establish that the talk is a safe place to tell the truth. 2) Discuss what money means to you 3) Share what your memories are of how your parents were with money and how that's affected you as an adult. Keep the discussion going and be supportive rather than angry or blaming.

Women - Get Your Money House In Order

Money is power and women are taught to be nice, not powerful. Really. Think about that. From the time we're little girls we're taught to think about others and to override our own feelings for the sake of someone else's. Boys are taught to win and compete and they feel very comfortable with that. Personally, I believe we women can be powerful AND nice.

In order to get your Money House in Order first identify one or two mistakes you've been making with money. Here are a few to pick from. Try to be objective and don't blame yourself. The powerful stance is to take responsibility, learn from our mistakes and make new decisions to take new action this coming year.

Mistakes Women Make with Money:

1) Spend Unconsciously: Piddle money away on things like Starbucks, another pair of shoes, fast food.

Money House in Order Power Tip:  Get a small notebook or on a SmartPhone use the Note function and track every single expenditure over the next 30 days. Eye-opening. 

2) Take Care of Others Before Take Care of Self Financially: How many times have you (to be nice) given money to your adult children, boyfriends, partners, parents, people in need rather than save more of it for your future?  

Money House in Order Power Tip: Consider that most women don't have enough money to live comfortably in retirement, especially single women. Give, but give consciously and sometimes giving to adult children is financial enabling and hurts rather than truly helps.  

3) Overspend or Overshop to Cope with Anxiety, Stress or Just Because:  Women waste so much money on things they don't need. "A need is replacing something that's worn out. A want is everything else." ( Peggy Gardiner, Professional Organizer)  It's fun to shop. I get it. But, stay conscious of the immediate pleasure vs. how your money needs to work for you over the long term.

Money House in Order Power Tip: If you tend to shop when feeling anxious or stressed take a PAUSE to think rather than shop out of habit. During this pause take 10 breaths.  Ask yourself - what do I really need? Time, relaxation, listening to, fun, pleasure?  What are other ways I can satisfiy this? How much can I really afford to spend? What's the most powerful thing I can do with this money?  

Here's to you getting your money house in order and as a result feeling and being more powerful with your financial choices.  Remember, you can be nice and powerful.  

Big Girl ACTION: 

1)  For fun, take the Money Type Quiz to find out whether you’re a Warrior Money Type – focused and disciplined or possibly a Fool – happy-go-lucky, not necessarily good at paying the bills.  Lynn offers a FREE 15 minute results phone consult. 

Women: 5 Steps to Get Money House in Order

If you're self-employed, an entrepreneur or career oriented you've got to get your money house in order.  I know, I know, it's nearly Christmas and you're crazy busy. But, I want to plant an important business seed for 2012 because it'll be here in ten seconds.  

In order to make the most money, have less stress, and achieve your full potential (financial is part of that) and have fun along the way, here are 5 Money things you need to do in 2012.*

1) Get Your Money House in Order:  Assess what's working well financially and what the challenges are. For example, let's start with the basics.  Are you making enough money? No? What do you think/feel are the 3 main reasons for this? Be careful about blaming the economy. I know it's a factor, but I also know many businesses that are booming - mine included.

2)  Know your Money Story: Especially if you're struggling to get to the next level financially and you keep bumping up against the same obstacle or stuck place. I can guarantee you that there's a hidden emotional piece in your history. Yesterday, while going through The Money History with a client, she realized that her "make do and settle" pattern came from resistance to becoming like her mother. A huge ah-ha.

3) Write down your goals for 2012. If you're self-employed and you have a goal of earning $25,000 or $50,000 net income a year, how many clients will it take each week and month to bring in that amount of money. The more specific you are (a spreadsheet is handy) the easier it will be to achieve. Look at your goals each day, visualize the end result as if it's already happened. Then take action each and every day.

4) Realize that you have a RELATIONSHIP with money. As Suze Orman says and I'm paraphrasing: "Women don't show the same care to their relationship with money, as with other relationships, because they have a dysfunctional relationship with money. What are your money dysfunctions: Overspending, debt, avoiding, underearning, not respecting your money so you don't take good care of it?  Identify THE major dysfunction and conquor it this year.

 5) Grow your Wealth: One of the biggest money mistakes I see women make (and I used to also) is to not grow their wealth. Women give too much time, energy and MONEY away to others - primarily children. If they don't they feel guilty. More money comes to us as we learn to respect it, take care of it, grow it. If you haven't started a retirement account or savings account (for emergencies - $1,000 minimum) make it a goal to start this year.

 *If you're in Modesto or close by check out my 2012 4 hour Business Strategy Session for Women). I do this workshop every year and at the end we do a Vision Board with your Goals and Action Steps for 2012)

Financial Sabotage: How Women Drain Money, Energy &Time by Giving Too Much

What’s one of the biggest mistakes women make with their money? As I ask women and men to respond to this question, one answer comes up repeatedly: women give their money, time and energy away too freely. Then they don't have enough for themselves.

Who do they give their money to? Usually their children and I’m not talking about those under 18. “An online poll commissioned in May by the National Endowment for Financial Education and Forbes.com found that nearly 60% of parents are giving, or have in the past granted, financial support to adult children who are no longer in college.”*

Yes, I know the tough economy is a factor with women wanting to step in and help their adult children. It's a lovely part of women's (& many men's) natures that we are the nurturers and caretakers of the family. But sometimes we over-equate love and money.  To not give money can seem selfish to mothers. And, mothers are encouraged by culture and church to sacrifice for the well-being of their children, right?

That’s not a bad thing, unless it leaves the mother in dificult financial straits. I’ve talked to women who have been robbed by their children, given in to sob story after sob story, been taken advantage of and even those left nearly destitute because of over-giving.

There is a balance point between over giving and creating dependency or entitlement. It’s not selfish, but self-loving to consider your own financial need and to set limits with children about what and how much you’re willing to help. As we’ve heard often – women, put your own oxygen mask on first.

*(Modesto Bee, Michelle Singletary, The Color of Money column 11-27-11)