Money Stress: 3 Tips to Feel Better

What’s the top reason for divorce? Money problems. And, money stress, is the number 1 stressor for 80% of Americans. Symptoms include:

Headaches, depression, heart attacks, muscle tension and back pain and ulcers and digestive problems.  Notfun.

But what exactly is stressing you about your money situation? Pick your top stressor:  Debt, lack of income, not saving enough, fights with your partner, just not knowing where to begin?

Tip 1: Talk About Money

Especially for women, talking about what’s really going on lightens the load and makes you realize you’re not alone.  As I give presentations about money to women in business I hear over and over about the struggles with money. Until we talk about what’s going on we FEEL we’re the only one.  Find a friend or family member to confide in. If there isn’t one available, I offer a FREE 15 minute consult (LINK HERE209 492-8745 or email me lynntelfordsahl@gmail.com)

Stress Busting Breakthrough Tip:

Tip 2: BREATHE  I know, I know. Breathing won’t CHANGE your money situation, but when the body relaxes the mind relaxes and solutions become more clear. 

Here’s How:  Exhale first. Breathe in the to the count of 6, hold for a moment and exhale to the count of 6. Take 10 breaths at least 3 x a day.  I’ve taught breathing as stress reduction for over 20 years and it’s the #1 most effective tip. It’s FREE, can be done anytime, anywhere.

Tip 3:  Create a Plan:  You have to start somewhere. Get the bill folder out, the credit card slips. Tally up what you owe.  Now you know. It may not be pretty, but not knowing often creates more anxiety. Next step? Figure out what you can pay weekly or monthly – better to pay something than nothing.  LearnVest.com is a terrific website for financial help. Feel a little better?

Fifty Shades of Green – Attn: Women in Business

Attention Women in Business: What’s a bigger discussion taboo around the dinner table?  (Adult dinner table, of course) Money or sex? No doubt about it, money.

If you’re a woman you’ve probably read “Fifty Shades of Grey” and have been talking about it with your friends. But I bet you haven’t talked about Fifty Shades of Green – a more important (but less lustful) topic to your bottom line than the characters of Christian Grey or Anastasia Steele could ever be. 

Isn't it hard to talk about money? It’s stressful and sometimes scary. Money in the world of Fifty Shades is full of fun and fantasy – palatial apartments, new cars given to girlfriends, helicopter rides for first dates. (Hello handsome, sexy Christian Grey). For us mortals though, money is hard to tell the truth about because we always think others know more than we do, or that they’re doing better than us. (Probably not true – and you can’t tell by what size house your friend lives in or how much shopping they do).  In the real world, money is mundane, boring, and sometimes darn right uncomfortable – you know all those bills we’re not paying.

But if you really want to be a successful woman in business you need to talk about money – with your spouse, with your business partners, and yes, with your girlfriends. Not shopping talk, but real financial talk. Here are some questions to get you started:  1) What are your top money stressors? 2) Who is your financial advisor and is it a woman? 3) Without talking specific numbers – are you making the money you want to be making?  4) What’s the biggest obstacle to making the money you’d like?  5) What wildly fun thing would you like to do when you have more money?  (Notice I said when, not if). Let’s make money talk less stressful and more JOYful and help ourselves and help each other succeed AND read exciting, sexy novels.

Women in Business: Are you a Financial Innocent? April is Financial Literacy Month

April is Financial Literacy month – time to pull your head out of the sand and plunge into learning about your relationship with Money. Not just the numbers – how much you make or what you spend - butwhat goes on with your thinking and your feelings about money.

Inside you is the answer to why you keep repeating the same old money mistakes over and over again. Here are some money mistakes women make: Overspending, Not paying your bills on time even though you have the money, Financially enabling others and not taking care of yourself, or a big one for women in business; Not charging enough!!

You may be like I used to be: I hated thinking about money. But, I had an awakening when I went through the training to become a Certified Money Coach.*  I found out exactly why I had the challenges with money I’d had since young adulthood. Yes, it did have to do with the way my parents handled their money. Not their fault, their parents had influenced them as well, and I was still responsible for the choices I made. But once I connected the dots and became conscious, I was able to make better financial decisions and to create less stress and more financial peace. That’s huge!! .  (*Certified through Deborah Price & The Money Coaching Institute)  Next time: Find out What The Money Types Mean and how each type shows up in your Money Life.

Women in Business: What’s Your Greatest Money Challenge?

What do women in business consider their biggest money challenge?  I conducted a survey last week to get feedback on that money question and others. In response to:  “What’s your greatest challenge with money” - not surprisingly the two highest responses by percentage were “not enough” and “not saving enough for the future.”  When women replied to what the reason was for the lack of money 55% said they were focused on surviving today, followed up by 23% “not saving or investing for the future.” 

I understand the whole focused on today reality. Been there. Especially when raising a family, working like a maniac and trying to squeeze a little fun out of life. When I talk with young women especially, too many aren’t saving ANYTHING for their future. But, they’ll take $40.00 and blow it on a meal out, a new purse, beauty products (look in your bathroom drawers and see how much money is sitting in there!!)

In order to change the “not enough money” piece we have to take Action – preferably NOW.  I’m not a financial advisor, I’m a Money Coach with a 20 years in the field of Psychology & Addiction.  I know it FEELS good in the moment to BUY something, but take a breath, think about whether that purchase is going to do anything for you when you’re 70 or 80 and right NOW start an investment account or a savings account with an automatic deduction of $20-50 a month. You won’t miss it and in ten years those beauty products will be dust and you’ll have money saved!!  

Women - Get Your Money House In Order

Money is power and women are taught to be nice, not powerful. Really. Think about that. From the time we're little girls we're taught to think about others and to override our own feelings for the sake of someone else's. Boys are taught to win and compete and they feel very comfortable with that. Personally, I believe we women can be powerful AND nice.

In order to get your Money House in Order first identify one or two mistakes you've been making with money. Here are a few to pick from. Try to be objective and don't blame yourself. The powerful stance is to take responsibility, learn from our mistakes and make new decisions to take new action this coming year.

Mistakes Women Make with Money:

1) Spend Unconsciously: Piddle money away on things like Starbucks, another pair of shoes, fast food.

Money House in Order Power Tip:  Get a small notebook or on a SmartPhone use the Note function and track every single expenditure over the next 30 days. Eye-opening. 

2) Take Care of Others Before Take Care of Self Financially: How many times have you (to be nice) given money to your adult children, boyfriends, partners, parents, people in need rather than save more of it for your future?  

Money House in Order Power Tip: Consider that most women don't have enough money to live comfortably in retirement, especially single women. Give, but give consciously and sometimes giving to adult children is financial enabling and hurts rather than truly helps.  

3) Overspend or Overshop to Cope with Anxiety, Stress or Just Because:  Women waste so much money on things they don't need. "A need is replacing something that's worn out. A want is everything else." ( Peggy Gardiner, Professional Organizer)  It's fun to shop. I get it. But, stay conscious of the immediate pleasure vs. how your money needs to work for you over the long term.

Money House in Order Power Tip: If you tend to shop when feeling anxious or stressed take a PAUSE to think rather than shop out of habit. During this pause take 10 breaths.  Ask yourself - what do I really need? Time, relaxation, listening to, fun, pleasure?  What are other ways I can satisfiy this? How much can I really afford to spend? What's the most powerful thing I can do with this money?  

Here's to you getting your money house in order and as a result feeling and being more powerful with your financial choices.  Remember, you can be nice and powerful.  

Big Girl ACTION: 

1)  For fun, take the Money Type Quiz to find out whether you’re a Warrior Money Type – focused and disciplined or possibly a Fool – happy-go-lucky, not necessarily good at paying the bills.  Lynn offers a FREE 15 minute results phone consult. 

Money Fears – 4 Tips for How to Accept, Release & Feel Better Now!

Psychology Today contributor Joan DiFuria, who writes a column called Affluence Intelligence, states that in 2000 Silicon Valley was birthing 64 millionaires a day. Today? Not many. A decade ago, we were so affluent that a new term “Sudden Wealth Syndrome” was coined. Yet, we also realized that wealth doesn’t necessarily make one happy. But as Woody Allen says, “It’s better than poverty.”

We’re just as obsessed with money these days, but it’s fear and anxiety about not having enough money. We have fear about losing our job, fear about ever finding a job again. Fear about paying the bills, and for some, fear about having enough to eat. And, of course this month, anxiety about Christmas!!

Fear is as much a contagion as the flu. It spreads through the air getting absorbed through the pores of the skin and inhaled into the lungs. Before you know it, the anxiety of those around you has permeated your world. Their worry becomes your worry. Every time the news broadcasts a new financial disturbance in the world, it adds to your sense of pending doom. You may feel disoriented, off-center, unsure of yourself. What can you do?

First, realize that fear is an emotion fueled by our thoughts. It’s not necessarily the truth. We either increase the power fear has over us by focusing on it and following the awful spiral downward or we use strategies to break the cycle and support more neutral or positive thinking.  Rick Hanson, author of The Buddha Brain states that the brain is Velcro for negative thoughts and Teflon for positive. By its very nature, the way we think tends to be negative and critical. So, let’s give ourselves a break and take action to feel better.

Here are 4 Strategies I use and teach to shift to quickly feel better. 1) First, just acknowledge the feeling briefly. “I’m angry, sad, depressed, etc.”  2) Breathe INTO the feeling with an attitude of “Come on in,” for about 90 seconds. Jill Bolte Taylor, PhD, a neuroscientest who rebuilt her brain after a stroke, "says it takes only 90 seconds of feeling the emotion caused by a negative event before the body finishes processing its stress.” 3) Re-focus your thoughts onto more positive events and this is where the old “What are you grateful for comes in.”  List 3 things you’re grateful for. And, this is my favorite: 4) Laugh – for 90 seconds. Come on – In the car or when you get up in the morning. You’ll probably start off feeling like a dork, but try it, you’ll be amazed.  None of these strategies change the situation you’re facing, but they change how you feel and think so you can cope better!!

Women: Addicted to Stress, Fear & Money?

Ever spend money to calm the stress of a hectic, demanding week? Or grabbed your second Starbucks of the day because you deserve something good? These are examples of what we do to make ourselves feel better when the brain is stressed. We humans like to "think" we are so rational, but don't believe it. Stress makes us much more vulnerable to making less than good decisions. Hello weight gain and expanding credit card debt!

But are we addicted to stress and fear? "The more we reach for the doughnut (the Starbucks, the new shoes) without being conscious of how we're feeling - anxious, stressed, unhappy- the more we cement in the fear that's driven us to reach for it in the first place. In fact, the more we deny our fears with distractions, the more compulsive we become." (Lynn T.S. Intentional JOY)

Ted and Brad Klontz state that the human brain under stress is like a tilted table. Anxiety and fear make us feel off-balance and the brain then looks for ways to rebalance. (Mind Over Money.) Of course, our advertiser based, consumer culture supplies us with plenty of suggestions (commercials anyone?) that sit under the surface waiting for the perfect moment - Friday night, kids fighting in the back seat, dinner to be prepared at home - blam - McDonalds here we come.

An important thing to remember is none of this is really bad or wrong. We are human, flawed and imperfect. That's the deal. We also have choice. It's ok to want to calm, soothe and comfort ourselves. But, how? The gift of being human is that we have the ability to wake up, to become conscious and to practice new behavior. Think about this: Imagine the consequences of more healthy stress relievers? Yoga, breathing, a walk, a talk with a friend are all proven stress busting, brain calming methods that don't leave a residue of guilt. Or, do you continue to seek the easy solution and end up feeling worse over the long run? Start with baby steps. Awareness there's a problem is that first step.

Feel Like a Money Victim: Here's What To Do About It

Deborah Price, International Money Coach and author of Money Magic, says too many people feel like money victims right now. A victim is characterized by powerlessness, hopelessness, and blame which is often the result of a great loss. Americans have good reason to feel victimized - from job loss and downsizing to fear of losing a job if they don’t work unreasonable hours, to short sales and foreclosures - there’s a lot of economic pain to spread around. And, the emphasis is on fear, which is not a good place from which to problem solve.

We can’t afford to hang out in this victim mentality for long though. The danger is that the longer we collectively feel powerless, the more we get stuck in a fear-based, blaming, self-pitying problem oriented point of view.

David Kruger, M.D., author of The Secret Language of Money, says the major negative result of the economic crash of 2008 is that it created a “crisis of confidence.” The major purpose of the $700 billion bailout was to “restore public confidence.” In other words, the massive public-works” program was to keep us from escalating the fear that gets activated when we’re our brain is in the reptilian or survival part of the brain. What we need is to calm down and shift into the forebrain where logical problem solving can occur.

The good news is that American’s have traditionally been solution focused; not victims, but victors.  Practically speaking: when you find yourself in a state of fear, stop, take a few deep breaths, feel your feet on the ground, remind yourself of whatever you have to be grateful for – this simple action releases the STRESS overreaction of the reptilian brain and increases endorphins. Good decisions come from the forebrain. Repeat the calming method as often as needed and don’t make major decisions when you’re in overreaction or fear. Calm down, then problem solve.

The Wealthy Barber Says Break the "Gotta Have It Now" Habit

Why do we make our financial life so difficult when it doesn’t have to be?  One reason is that we want to feel better right now and our consumer culture loves to prime the “I work so hard, I deserve something” pump. Feeling stressed, unhappy, dissatisfied?  Buy something – that’ll make everything better - temporarily... Except that after the initial glow wears off – usually by the time you get home – remorse or guilt set in, along with the now monthly payment that goes on and on. Yow.

You know how sometimes we know better, but we do something against our financial best interest anyway?  One of my clients, “John,” hates his job, is super stressed and is sticking it out for his pension that is a long 5 years away. What do you think he and his wife just did? They bought 2 new cars so now they have two big payments a month.  If something were to happen to John or to his wife so that they couldn’t work…. Well, you get the picture.

“The Wealthy Barber” was a smash bestseller a few years ago and the author David Chilton is at it again with ‘The Wealthy Barber Returns.” What does Chilton think we should do with our money?  1) Save, save, save. Pay yourself 10-15% of your  NET income  a year.  On a $50,000 annual salary that’d be 5,000 – 7,500 a year or $400-580 a month. (The only relatively painless way to do this is to create an automatic deducationfrom paycheck to savings/retirement account) 2) Live modestly. According to the mortgage lender you might be able to afford a house payment that’s 30% of your gross income, but what do you have to do without to afford it. 3) Keep track of everything you spend for the next 3 months. I’ve done it and it’s eye-opening how much money we can piddle away on coffee, lunch or stuff we don’t really need.  Chilton would say that banks, mortgage lenders, atms, are not your friends and that “…real wealth comes from saving, not high income.” 

Won't More Money Will Solve All My Problems?

"If I just had more money, my problems would be solved." According to Brad Klontz." (author of academic study, "Money Beliefs and Financial Behaviors: Development of the Klontz Money Script Inventory," published in The Journal of Financial Therapy)  most Americans fall into this money belief pattern.

Our self-worth and our net-worth are very intertwined in American culture and our money beliefs are for the most part unexplored and below the surface of awareness. Have you ever overreacted to a financial situation like your spouse asking you something about the household finances and wondered, "What just happened?"  I know I have. That reaction is tied to your unexplored money beliefs, habits, attitudes and patterns.

The Klontz Study says there are four categories of "money scripts": money avoidance, money worship, money status and money vigilance.

Those of us who avoid money distance ourselves from money. (I used to, but no more). They stick their head in the sand, may abuse credit cards, believe they don't deserve to have money and can sabotage themselves and not understand why.

Then there's a money worship group that believe more money or a windfall will solve all my problems. They are status oriented. They will use credit cards to buy to impress others. Anxiety and status can cause people in this group to take  financial risks.

Understanding and exploring your money beliefs and how these affect the financial stress in your life and how you make financial decisions is life changing. Every money coaching client I've worked with has made belief and attitude shifts in the middle of the coaching process because of the light bulbs of awareness that occur. That's exciting and empowering.

Klontz doesn't let people off the hook regarding the homes they bought and couldn't really afford. He says don't blame Wall Street, but "...what led you to buy a house you couldn't afford?" I don't believe in letting the banks off the hook though.

To understand your money attitudes, beliefs and behaviors more read Mind Over Money by the Klontz's or my favorite: Money Magic by Deborah Price.