Money Fears – 4 Tips for How to Accept, Release & Feel Better Now!

Psychology Today contributor Joan DiFuria, who writes a column called Affluence Intelligence, states that in 2000 Silicon Valley was birthing 64 millionaires a day. Today? Not many. A decade ago, we were so affluent that a new term “Sudden Wealth Syndrome” was coined. Yet, we also realized that wealth doesn’t necessarily make one happy. But as Woody Allen says, “It’s better than poverty.”

We’re just as obsessed with money these days, but it’s fear and anxiety about not having enough money. We have fear about losing our job, fear about ever finding a job again. Fear about paying the bills, and for some, fear about having enough to eat. And, of course this month, anxiety about Christmas!!

Fear is as much a contagion as the flu. It spreads through the air getting absorbed through the pores of the skin and inhaled into the lungs. Before you know it, the anxiety of those around you has permeated your world. Their worry becomes your worry. Every time the news broadcasts a new financial disturbance in the world, it adds to your sense of pending doom. You may feel disoriented, off-center, unsure of yourself. What can you do?

First, realize that fear is an emotion fueled by our thoughts. It’s not necessarily the truth. We either increase the power fear has over us by focusing on it and following the awful spiral downward or we use strategies to break the cycle and support more neutral or positive thinking.  Rick Hanson, author of The Buddha Brain states that the brain is Velcro for negative thoughts and Teflon for positive. By its very nature, the way we think tends to be negative and critical. So, let’s give ourselves a break and take action to feel better.

Here are 4 Strategies I use and teach to shift to quickly feel better. 1) First, just acknowledge the feeling briefly. “I’m angry, sad, depressed, etc.”  2) Breathe INTO the feeling with an attitude of “Come on in,” for about 90 seconds. Jill Bolte Taylor, PhD, a neuroscientest who rebuilt her brain after a stroke, "says it takes only 90 seconds of feeling the emotion caused by a negative event before the body finishes processing its stress.” 3) Re-focus your thoughts onto more positive events and this is where the old “What are you grateful for comes in.”  List 3 things you’re grateful for. And, this is my favorite: 4) Laugh – for 90 seconds. Come on – In the car or when you get up in the morning. You’ll probably start off feeling like a dork, but try it, you’ll be amazed.  None of these strategies change the situation you’re facing, but they change how you feel and think so you can cope better!!

Women: 5 Steps to Get Money House in Order

If you're self-employed, an entrepreneur or career oriented you've got to get your money house in order.  I know, I know, it's nearly Christmas and you're crazy busy. But, I want to plant an important business seed for 2012 because it'll be here in ten seconds.  

In order to make the most money, have less stress, and achieve your full potential (financial is part of that) and have fun along the way, here are 5 Money things you need to do in 2012.*

1) Get Your Money House in Order:  Assess what's working well financially and what the challenges are. For example, let's start with the basics.  Are you making enough money? No? What do you think/feel are the 3 main reasons for this? Be careful about blaming the economy. I know it's a factor, but I also know many businesses that are booming - mine included.

2)  Know your Money Story: Especially if you're struggling to get to the next level financially and you keep bumping up against the same obstacle or stuck place. I can guarantee you that there's a hidden emotional piece in your history. Yesterday, while going through The Money History with a client, she realized that her "make do and settle" pattern came from resistance to becoming like her mother. A huge ah-ha.

3) Write down your goals for 2012. If you're self-employed and you have a goal of earning $25,000 or $50,000 net income a year, how many clients will it take each week and month to bring in that amount of money. The more specific you are (a spreadsheet is handy) the easier it will be to achieve. Look at your goals each day, visualize the end result as if it's already happened. Then take action each and every day.

4) Realize that you have a RELATIONSHIP with money. As Suze Orman says and I'm paraphrasing: "Women don't show the same care to their relationship with money, as with other relationships, because they have a dysfunctional relationship with money. What are your money dysfunctions: Overspending, debt, avoiding, underearning, not respecting your money so you don't take good care of it?  Identify THE major dysfunction and conquor it this year.

 5) Grow your Wealth: One of the biggest money mistakes I see women make (and I used to also) is to not grow their wealth. Women give too much time, energy and MONEY away to others - primarily children. If they don't they feel guilty. More money comes to us as we learn to respect it, take care of it, grow it. If you haven't started a retirement account or savings account (for emergencies - $1,000 minimum) make it a goal to start this year.

 *If you're in Modesto or close by check out my 2012 4 hour Business Strategy Session for Women). I do this workshop every year and at the end we do a Vision Board with your Goals and Action Steps for 2012)

How to Have Less Holiday Stress & More JOY & Love

The Holidays are here, the Holidays are here!! Running as fast as you can yet? Having fun or exhausted already? We look forward to THE HOLIDAYS (many of us-not all) and yet when they get here, we're too pooped to really enjoy them. As Geneen Roth (Women, Food & God) writes, "Passion, strength, and joy cannot take root in exhausted, burdened, half-dead bodies."

What to do? 1) Take a breath. Better yet, take 10. As you do so, really notice your lungs, your belly and your feet. This brings you into your body. When we're stressed or anxious because our "TO DO" list is overwhelming us, we become more stressed by not paying attention to the needs of our body. Remember, your body is doing all the heavy-lifting of Holiday work. If you give it a little TLC, the dividends will allow you to move through the holidays much more gracefully.

What, do you ask, are the needs of your body? Enough rest - sure go to the parties, but not every night. Take a break one night and sit and wrap packages, or do a little baking, and get to bed at a reasonable time. Notice the energy differnce the next day.

2) Try this Holiday Anxiety Buster. Just before you go to sleep each night name at least 1 thing that went well that day. Come on....you can find one. What usuaully happens is that more positive experiences come to mind. A much better way to go off to dreamland.

3) More Love and appreciation equal less stress because love naturally turns on the body's feel good chemicals like oxytocin (the nurturing hormone), or dopamine. If you give love, you also receive love.  How many hugs can you give to needy people today? Mark Victor Hanson, of the Chicken Soup series, says humans need 12 hugs a day for maintenance. I invite and challenge you to give hugs away, especially if you're feeling depleted.  Wouldn't it be great to see someone at the mall with a sign reading: "Free Hugs?"

The point of all this is, if you stay more aware of what you and your body need and actively do stress busting activities you'll experience less stress and more JOY & Love than if you don't. You deserve it. Happy Holidays from my heart to yours.  

Stop Holiday Overspending Stress

The Holidays can be loads of fun and terrifically stressful. For women, it's all the extra work to do; shopping, wrapping, parties to plan, cooking and family to be around that may trigger old feelings.

To cope with stressful feelings, some women shop more, spend more and eat more. (Yes, women also overeat to cope with stress.)

Do you love to shop and buy? Are the Holidays a great excuse to do so? Notice if you can relate to these questions and please don't beat yourself up if you do.1) Do you overspend or overshop frequently? 2) Overspend though you can't afford to? 3) Do you shop, buy or overspend as the major way to deal with negative feelings like anxiety, anger, lonliness?  Remember this, you're not alone.

According to experts on you may be suffering from Compulsive Buying Disorder*. Though only a small percentage of the population has the actual disorder and I view addictive behaviors on a continuum (imagine a straight  line across the page) with one end of the continuum those that have no compulsive spending or addictive shopping issues and the other end those whose lives are unmanageable. If you're at the extreme end you're experiencing things like relationship problems (because of debt or money behaviors), money problems, or work issues.  You probably also feel a lot of guilt, but don't know how to stop the behavior. For those that fit here, take a breath, and please deal with the problem, because it's not going to go away. There are therapists online, online support groups and therapists in your area. Use google or ask friends.

For those of you in the middle of the continuum that relate to overspending due to stress or the pressures of the holidays here are a couple things you can do.  1)  Look at money available in your checking or savings account. 2) Make a list of who you're going to buy for and use only the budgeted amount. 3) Stick to the list and take it with you when you go shopping. 4) Try to shop early in the day when your energy is good. 5) If you need to, take a friend with you that knows you're trying to stick to a budget. And, remember, changing behavior requires practice.  Happy Holidays and you can email me at lynntelfordsahl@gmail.com to let me know how you do.

*Uncontrolled Spending: A Clinician’s Guide to Compulsive Buying Ronald J. Faber, University of Minnesota 

Financial Sabotage: How Women Drain Money, Energy &Time by Giving Too Much

What’s one of the biggest mistakes women make with their money? As I ask women and men to respond to this question, one answer comes up repeatedly: women give their money, time and energy away too freely. Then they don't have enough for themselves.

Who do they give their money to? Usually their children and I’m not talking about those under 18. “An online poll commissioned in May by the National Endowment for Financial Education and Forbes.com found that nearly 60% of parents are giving, or have in the past granted, financial support to adult children who are no longer in college.”*

Yes, I know the tough economy is a factor with women wanting to step in and help their adult children. It's a lovely part of women's (& many men's) natures that we are the nurturers and caretakers of the family. But sometimes we over-equate love and money.  To not give money can seem selfish to mothers. And, mothers are encouraged by culture and church to sacrifice for the well-being of their children, right?

That’s not a bad thing, unless it leaves the mother in dificult financial straits. I’ve talked to women who have been robbed by their children, given in to sob story after sob story, been taken advantage of and even those left nearly destitute because of over-giving.

There is a balance point between over giving and creating dependency or entitlement. It’s not selfish, but self-loving to consider your own financial need and to set limits with children about what and how much you’re willing to help. As we’ve heard often – women, put your own oxygen mask on first.

*(Modesto Bee, Michelle Singletary, The Color of Money column 11-27-11)

The Financial Responsibility of the 99%: Time to Put Your Big Boy & Girl Money Pants On!

There is a shared responsibility for the financial condition of the world. The 1% need to share their money more equitably. The 99% need to educate themselves about money and take their power back, or perhaps develop a sense of financial power for the first time. There’s something I realized this year and that’s how ignorant most of us are about our relationship with money. I came to this ah-ha while going through a five month training to become a Certified Money Coach.

Now that I can see more clearly, because my financial blinders have been partially removed, I get how little the collective us really understands about money. What does money really mean to you? Fill in this blank. To me money means________.*  Most people say freedom or security. I like to add FUN. As a therapist/coach/business owner I’ve been interested in making more money, and read at least 50 books about money – how to make it, and make more of it, keep it, save it and manage it.  But there's a deeper meaning to money that remains hidden for most of us.

The anger that the 99% feel toward the wealthy 1% can be a positive anger if it gets channeled in healthy ways. Yes, legislation that favors the 1% disproportionately needs to be changed. But, the 99% also need to take financial responsibility for their money ignorance and lack of power. We need to educate ourselves and there’s no excuse not to because the information is available. In the last ten years, not only do we have books available about the nuts & bolts of money (budgets, making more $$, etc), but most importantly how to change our emotional relationship with money. That’s where the real juice is.

I gave a presentation about Turning Financial Stress into Freedom to a group of multi-level marketers last week. It was really fun. These are folks that still believe in the American Dream and who are hard workers, and goal and success oriented. But, they will only be able to achieve their financial dreams if they understand and begin to transform their understanding of how they emotionally react and respond to money.

Here are 3 things I shared with them that may help you:

1) Raise your money consciousness by knowing how much money YOU need (not your parents, your spouse, your kids, your best friend) to make you happy. Write down that number________.

Research shows most believe that to be between $50-70K a year.

2) What is your earliest money memory?** __________ How does that memory affect your adult relationship with money today?

One woman at the talk shared that as a child she would ask her parents for money and they always gave it to her. Now, as a sales person she has no problem asking for the sale or the check.

3) How did your parents feel, talk about or behave with money? How do the thoughts, feelings & beliefs you developed in your family affect you today? "Your relationship with money is not just about money, it's about everything. Everything you eat, drink, fear & buy." David Krueger

*David Krueger The Secret Language of Money ** Deborah Price Money Magic

7 Money Tips to Cut Stress & Stay Sane During Holiday Shopping!

Big surprise - not everyone loves the holidays. The holidays are busy, stressful, expensive and emotionally tense, depending on family dynamics. I enjoy them once I get over my annual resistance, which starts in August when Christmas decorations appear, and releases when I finally give in, usually sometime around Thanksgiving.

If you’d like to the best chance of staying relatively sane during the holidays and NOT going over BUDGET here are 7 Tips to help you do so.

1) The Budget: First figure out how much IN TOTAL you want to spend on the Holidays. Include gifts, food, wrapping paper, party clothing (now we’re talking), hair & beauty products and of course alcohol. The average shopper spent $704 in 2010 and is projected to spend $14.00 less this year – who figures out this stuff?)*

2) Make a list of giftees - what you’re going to buy and the AMOUNT you are going to spend. Take the list with you when you shop – STICK to the list. (I’ve done this for years, primarily because if I didn’t make a list I wouldn’t remember who, what or how much.) Resist impulse buying - refer to the LIST!

3) SAVE the list. In fact, type it into your phone or Ipad, or if you’re technically challenged like me, at least do a word doc and save. Print & take with you. (Make sure you look at it when you’re shopping. – Resist impulse buying. - Hear the theme?)

4) How will you pay? Hopefully, you started saving Jan 1 of 2011 and now have at least $704.00 in your account. If not, how much have you saved – again – what’s your budget? How will you pay for purchases? Credit Card, debit card, cash? What’s the absolute limit you will put on said Credit card?  How will you support yourself to stick to this limit?

5) Shop early. Perhaps not in August, but sometime before Christmas Eve Day. Although I have to say I love to go to the mall that day, and look at all the male shoppers scurrying around. I feel smug because except for the cinnamon rolls I’ll pick up at Cinnabons, I’m usually done. (Wrapping? That’s another matter)

6) If your budget is small this year, don’t feel alone. Consider homemade gifts or a gift of time card. Family members can offer coupons for Special Nights of Sitting, yard mowing, prepared Meals. If you’re artistic (not me) you can create something unique – it’s the thought – remember. Be original.

7) If you can manage to do and stick to numbers 1-6 your stress should stay quite sane this holiday season. The odds are you won’t do this. If that’s true though don’t despair – just do what you do every year, and you’ll make it, as always.  For next year - do start saving Jan 1 – $58.67 a month = $13.55 a week = $704. Just start!!

*http://www.coloradoan.com/article/20111119/COLUMNISTS07/111190318

Reflections About The Economic Scale of Life

When did you first realize where you sit on the economic scale of life? For me it was in high school after my parents divorced. My newly single mother found a job as a photographer for Sears. There was no extra money; barely enough for rent, bills and food. There was certainly no extra money for clothes. But, instead of feeling defeated or giving up, I felt challenged. My early entrepreneurial spirit had me handwriting flyers to let people in the neighborhood know I could babysit. And, babysit I did. I also learned how to sew and made a few A-line mini-skirts - remember those? My favorite was a lime green and I wore it often.

Until my 30s I didn't think much about where my husband Dave and I were on the economic scale. I was getting my masters degree in psychology and Dave was running a technology business. We were at an event at my husband's partners' home and I noticed they had money. It's easier to accumulate more money when one comes from money. They'd been raised in an upper middle class environment. Her dad was Richard Lyng, who later became the Secretary of Agriculture under President Reagan. His dad was the CEO of a large hospital in town. My husbands partners were very nice, very low key people, but it made me uncomfortable to be around them. I started comparing what we had and what they had. I felt envious of the neighborhood where they lived. My feelings were not caused by what they were doing or not, it was all a reflection of my discomfort with my inner relationship with money. That discomfort I felt back then is part of the divide that happens between those that have more.  I saw the indicators of success - money, prestige, a fabulous home, etc., and wasn't sure how to attain those or even whether it was important. After all I was heading into the helping profession of counseling, a profession generally not "into" making money. So, I stopped thinking about all that money stuff. 

A few years ago I started getting a handle on finances. This year zoomed me into a new place when I went five month training program to become a Certified Money Coach. All the denial and avoidance around money came back to the surface. VERY uncomfortable looking at what's hidden from plain view.  Looking at my stuck money places, forgiving myself and my parents their financial inadequecies and growing my money self up was painful and incredible. I can't encourage you enough to really shine the light on your RELATIONSHIP with money - not just the budget or the in and out flow, but how you feel about money, what it means to you, what your money history or story is. If we want to achieve greater economic equality in this world, we have to transform our emotinal stuff around money - our attitudes, beliefs and convictions around what money really means. A powerful journey.

Financial Inequality & the 1% - Where Did All the Money Go?

"It was the best of times, it was the worst of times...," wrote Charles Dickens in the 1800s. The same could be said now. Apparently for the top 1% of America it's the best of times. One of my questions since the crash of 2008 has been "Where has all the money gone?" According to the Congressional Budget Office the top 1% of U.S. households almost tripled their after-tax income from 1979 to 2007. For us middle class folks, after-tax income grew 40% and the lower end of the economic scale increased also, but only by 18%.(Modesto Bee 10-27-11 Rich getting richer more quickly)

But let's wait a minute. Hasn't wealth in America (& the world) always been unequally distributed? Yes and let's start by looking at what the definition of 1% really consists of.  First, according to Joyce Apleby, emeritus professor of history at UCLA, there's income and there's wealth. To be a one-percenter you have to earn more than $700,000 a year (income) and have assets (wealth) of more than $9 million.

Ok, now we understand the basics of 1% economics. What's the economic truth for the rest of us? Have we middle class Americans been operating from an illusion that we could become rich? Yes and no. "From 1776 to the present, the bottom 60% of the U.S. population has never had more than 11% of the country's wealth." Hmm...Of course if you've done the math this 60% doesn't account for 39% of us.

Back to the question of, "Where did all the money go?" Well, well we know the banks got a lot of money. The investment bankers and hedge fund guys that is. But, I don't really think there's a simple answer to this question. We have a dream in America that hard work, luck and opportunity opens the door to fortune. That dream is a good one because it creates HOPE and in every generation the dream becomes true for a few. This "worst of times" economic recession is a wake-up call to look at the economic inequalities that have always been present, for the 99% to to keep the hope, the hard work and to hold the 1% accountable to a financially more equitable system for all. 

Women: Addicted to Stress, Fear & Money?

Ever spend money to calm the stress of a hectic, demanding week? Or grabbed your second Starbucks of the day because you deserve something good? These are examples of what we do to make ourselves feel better when the brain is stressed. We humans like to "think" we are so rational, but don't believe it. Stress makes us much more vulnerable to making less than good decisions. Hello weight gain and expanding credit card debt!

But are we addicted to stress and fear? "The more we reach for the doughnut (the Starbucks, the new shoes) without being conscious of how we're feeling - anxious, stressed, unhappy- the more we cement in the fear that's driven us to reach for it in the first place. In fact, the more we deny our fears with distractions, the more compulsive we become." (Lynn T.S. Intentional JOY)

Ted and Brad Klontz state that the human brain under stress is like a tilted table. Anxiety and fear make us feel off-balance and the brain then looks for ways to rebalance. (Mind Over Money.) Of course, our advertiser based, consumer culture supplies us with plenty of suggestions (commercials anyone?) that sit under the surface waiting for the perfect moment - Friday night, kids fighting in the back seat, dinner to be prepared at home - blam - McDonalds here we come.

An important thing to remember is none of this is really bad or wrong. We are human, flawed and imperfect. That's the deal. We also have choice. It's ok to want to calm, soothe and comfort ourselves. But, how? The gift of being human is that we have the ability to wake up, to become conscious and to practice new behavior. Think about this: Imagine the consequences of more healthy stress relievers? Yoga, breathing, a walk, a talk with a friend are all proven stress busting, brain calming methods that don't leave a residue of guilt. Or, do you continue to seek the easy solution and end up feeling worse over the long run? Start with baby steps. Awareness there's a problem is that first step.